tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51884018578488468892024-02-18T20:15:48.057-08:00ParentFixMaggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-13543383891052346002015-02-21T21:59:00.001-08:002015-02-21T21:59:12.704-08:00Why Do I Parent The Way I Do?
Have you ever wondered why you parent the way you do? As a parent do you feel the need to discipline over silly little things and find yourself relaxed over things that other parents find important. For example, “My children must wear their bike helmets if they ride their bike, but when they get on their skateboards, I don’t require them to put on a helmet.” Or, “When my daughter’s room is messy, I take away her cell phone but if she breaks her curfew, I seem to let her off the hook.” Sometimes our rational doesn’t make sense.
The good news is this might be something you can blame on your parents.. at least part of it anyway. We usually parent how our parents did, even if we hated how they did it. Why? Because often that is the only example we know. These examples are impressed upon our minds during childhood and represent much of what is referred to as “the unconscious”. The mind organizes itself into separate and discrete areas to deal with life’s circumstances. Later on as parents if we are unprepared in how we will deal with a situation we depend on our unconscious.
It probably drives you crazy to watch your parents discipline your children, their grandchildren. Many of their parenting techniques seem antiquated. Take for example spanking. Spanking used to be considered a positive form of discipline. We know better now. Many studies have been done on spanking in the U.S. and other countries. The evidence is clear that the effects of spanking are negative. The American Academy of Pediatrics and other professional organizations take a clear stand against the physical punishment of children.
Many of these parenting flaws in our lives end up becoming the “norm” in our homes because we were raised with them. The good news is if we understand where our parenting skills originated, they are easier to analyze and change.
Improvement comes when we can acknowledge that we are doing it wrong. Then it is important to believe these behaviors are preventable or can be changed. Parents should be able to identify the methods they are using as uplifting and beneficial or harmful and damaging. Children give immediate feedback to your parenting. Pay attention to their behavior and what they say. This type of parenting helps especially if you remember how you felt when your parents used those same tactics on you.
Some parents go so far as to let their children set their own rules and punishments. Oft times the kids set stricter on themselves than the parents would be.
One thing to remember:
You must be an example and model the behavior you desire. Children are too bright to be told to do one thing while they watch you do another. Be honest with your kids and in your dealings with others. Tell the truth. Admit to your children when you make mistakes in your parenting and apologize for them. Apologize when you get angry. Explain to your children what upsets you and why. If you find you cannot change all of your quirky behaviors you can at least acknowledge and laugh about them. This humorous act alone will give your kids the option for change.
Maggie Stevens/ParentFix
Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-56018334743822532682014-03-09T21:15:00.003-07:002014-03-09T21:15:53.173-07:00Help I'm Losing My Teen
Each week I participate in a parenting podcast where parents submit questions. There is one topic my cohost and I get week after week: “Help, I am losing my teen.” To give you an idea, here is a question I received last week:
“Help! I feel like I'm losing my 17 yr old son to rebellion...I've read the comments regarding getting teens to be responsible and pay for different things like cars, phones etc..and I've tried to impose rules requiring a good balance between responsibility and priviledge but my lazy 17 yr old son only wants things his way. I've been battling with him for months about getting a job and pulling his own weight around the house. He just got a 29 ACT score so he's very smart but not acting like it. I think he would rather play in his band than go to college. He will not do chores around the house, except to do his own laundry. He sits around playing X-box and drums. This past weekend I was so totally fed up that I took the car away, and cancelled the xbox subscription. He got mad of course, called me horrible names and spent the weekend at a friends house. It seems that the more rules I impose on my son the more I push him away. I don't know what to do anymore. If I give in he doesn't learn anything. any advice “
Teen rebellion or teens out-of-control is a big issue. Too many parents live in homes that have become battlefields between parent and their teenager. This problem is not isolated to a few families. It is happening in far to many homes. There are many programs set up to prey on parents who are struggling and need help. In desperation, many parents turn to the wrong source for help. There are wilderness survival programs where teens are taken against their will and through basic survival skills are taught to behave. At schools or academy’s teens live their full time and must learn appropriate behavior before they are allowed to leave. that promise change.
I am not a fan of these programs because they are very costly and too many parents believe that the end result will automatically fix their child. If you have no other alternative, make sure you have researched the best place for your child. They cost a lot of money($15,000-20,000 a month) The most expensive program is not always the best. One of the things I would look for is a good follow up or after care program. These programs can can clean up your child in a rather short amount of time. The problem comes when your child comes home they fall back into the old behavior. Why? Because they are back in the same environment that led to the deviant behavior. It is important to remove the child from their current environment to break the cycle, including the people in their lives that often contribute to their underlying feelings
It is those underlying feelings that are the cause for the deviant behavior. If the goal of the parents is have some one else fix the child, then they will fail no matter how much money they spend or how ever many programs they sign them up for. I believe the problem needs to be solved in the home with parents and child attending regular therapy sessions. The key is a good therapist. If the therapist is not asking for change from both parent and child find a new therapist.
Simple Steps for Improving Teen behavior:
Parent needs to understand the teenage years and have patience with them as they learn. The teenage years are not only puzzling for you as a parent. The teen years are very confusing for your child. Think of your teen as children in adult bodies.
The home cannot be run as a dictatorship.
Parents and teens should set the rules together and also agree upon discipline.
Positive talk about future plans. Make sure those plans are the child’s dreams, not yours.
Listen to your child.
What to do if you currently have a troubled teen:
Find a good therapist.
If you need help, contact me on my website and I will give you the name of a good therapist www.parentfix.com
Be open to attending therapy with your child.
Listen to the therapist and realize something is wrong in your home
A good therapist may make you uncomfortable because they will be asking you to change
You must be open to change and then make the changes
The sooner you make changes, the sooner you will see improvement in your child
Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-47754016556391086002012-06-27T16:58:00.000-07:002012-06-27T17:04:08.511-07:00What's Your Parenting Style?
We all love our kids beyond measure, but there are vast differences when it comes to deciding what our kids should do and how they should behave. We all have a certain style in the way we talk to our children, how we discuss family rules, our expectations, what we will tolerate and how we discipline. Understanding these parenting styles, will hopefully help to improve your parenting.
I like to visualize the 5 major types on a scale which adapts as our children grow and we learn. It changes as our children go from toddler to teen. We can vacillate between styles, but we usually gravitate to one side or the other.
Drill Sergeant_____________Middle Ground__________________PushOver
Let me give you a brief explanation of each style beginning with the far left and far right:
Boot Camp/Authoritative: You control every aspect of your child's life, taking over all decision making and enforcing a rigid structure on your child. When it comes to setting rules and expectations with your kids, you're the grownup and you know what's best. And since this is the case, it's not really necessary to always explain the logic or rationale behind your rules and expectations. You are anxious and afraid that if you don't impose control, your child won't get it right on his own. To be fair, you do your best to apply your standards equally to each child. You believe it is important for parents to make decisions for their kids and that, generally, rules and expectations shouldn't be open to discussion. You are an optimizer, making life as perfect as possible for your child.
Example: Red Foreman from That 70"s show or Claire Dunphy from Modern Family
Push Over: Anything goes! You mostly use a hands-off parenting style. While you give your child a lot of independence, you probably don't feel very connected to her. You may feel too busy or overwhelmed with other obligations to be very involved in your child's life. You bolt when the school volunteer list is handed out. Your children may not develop strong social skills because you prefer not to allow friends to play at your house. Parenting overwhelms you or you may believe your child will learn most of his lessons from outside the home. You do not enjoy conflict with your child, so you do not discipline or set any rules for your child. Your child may not learn how to work through conflict and when things get difficult in life, he may just ignore it. Your child's physical safety is a concern when your child has little or no parenting.
Example: Morticia and Gomez Addams from The Addams Family
The Middle Ground: The Middle Ground is where love, discipline and respect intersect. This type of parent acts as a teacher and guidance counselor in a child's life. You offer guidance, not control. You understand the real life developmental stage of a child. You are warm and involved, but firm and consistent in setting and enforcing limits. Middle Ground parents have relationships with their teens that include trust, mutual respect, and strong and open communication. You encourage and give your teenagers the freedom to express their own ideas, beliefs and individuality.
Middle Ground parenting works because it does three things. First, your warmth, love and involvement make your teen more open to your influence. Second, by providing structure through limits and consequences, your teen develops the ability to regulate his behavior and make good decisions. And third, the open, two-way communication in your relationship helps your teen develop the thinking and social skills needed to succeed outside the family. It takes a lot of effort to be a Middle Ground parent, especially when a parent is exhausted. But the work is worth it.
Example: Mike and Carol Brady from The Brady Bunch
What's Your Parenting Style Quiz
1. Your baby drops his pacifier at Lagoon? You..
a. No problem, you always carry pacifier wipes.
b. Rinse it off when you find a drinking fountain
c. Who has time to wash off a pacifier??
2. You and your five-year-old daughter are having a play date at a friend's house. When asked what she wants for lunch, your shy daughter lowers her head and refuses to answer. What do you do?
a. Command her to answer the question immediately, or she is going home.
b. Squatting down to your daughter's eye level, you talk her through the situation, helping her answer the question on her own.
c. Speak for your daughter, telling the host what she likes and explaining that she is just shy.
3. It's a cold winter day and your three-year-old son refuses to wear a coat. What is your solution?
a. Yell at him to stop whining while you force his coat on.
b. Sit down with your son and explain why it is necessary to dress warm in cold weather. Involve him in the decision.
c. Shrug your shoulders and let him run out the door in whatever he wants.
4. Your four-year-old son refuses to go to bed. How do you react?
a. Threaten to lock him in his room if he doesn't go to bed immediately.
b. Discuss with him why it is important to get enough sleep. Create a bedtime schedule that give him comfort and routine. Read a story of his choice and snuggle together until he is relaxed and ready to sleep.
c. Let him fall asleep in front of the television.
5. You get a call from your son's teacher who explains that your son has carved a hole in the wall and blamed another student for what he's done. What do you do?
a. You yell and send your son to his room, grounding him without asking for his side of the story
b. Begin by patiently discussing the problem and his reasons for doing it. Help him to repair the damage or earn money to pay to have it fixed. Help him work through why he shouldn't blame other kids and acknowledge it is difficult but important to admit when he has done something wrong. Discuss how he would like to apologize and then guide him through it.
Approach your son and when he refused so talk, you throw your hands in the air and tell him he can do what he wants since it probably wasn't his fault anyway.
Results:
If your answers were mostly B you are a Middle Ground Parent. Congratulations! Studies show that adolescents raised by Middle Ground parents do better in school, report less depression and anxiety, have higher self-esteem and self-reliance and are less likely to engage in all types of risky problem behavior.
If most of your answers were A, you may be more of a drill sergeant than a parent. Change your belief that children should conform to your commands. Try to tone down the control and dial up the warmth and love.
If most of your answers were C, while your free-wheeling carefree attitude is to be admired, it may serve your children better to have more structure in their lives. Also, give your child a large dose of your undivided attention.
In closing, one-size parenting doesn't fit all. Circumstances change as your child moves from toddler to teen. They also change as you become a better parent. We all vacillate between styles, but work towards becoming a middle ground parent.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-82244272537732015052012-04-07T18:39:00.002-07:002012-04-07T18:43:04.594-07:00Secrets to Creating Low Stress FamiliesHave you ever wondered how your family life compares to others? Most of us at some point in our parenting wonder if what goes on in our home would be considered normal? We should be proud of the fact that each family is unique and have their own personality but sometimes it is nice to get a glimpse into the lives of other families...if for no other reason than to better take care of your own.<br /><br />Researchers from UCLA did a study on thirty two California families that can help you decide how your family is doing. In the first experiment of its kind, thirty-two California families allowed a three person research team into their homes for four days (morning ‘til night). They conducted this research through interviews with each member of the family. Spending time in each home they witnessed sibling arguments, dinner conversations, homework panics, after school shuttling, temper tantrums, etc. The team measured the stress levels of each family member throughout the day. Through those stressful moments researchers discovered great ways to lower the stress in all of our homes. (The tips also came as the researchers witnessed key instances of warmth and love between family members) Some of the secrets of low stress families will surprise you. Use what they learned to calm the stress and create more joy in your home.<br /><br />1. Low-stress couples don’t divvy up the chores. One part of the research included the division of household chores between couples and how that related to marital satisfaction. Regardless of who did more, spouses were happier when they were working towards the same goals. Splitting and assigning chores created more of a division...a more his job/my job attitude. With a shared goals attitude there was more of a ‘we-ness’...we do for our family, not, I do this for you. Children pay attention to these interactions. Kids notice how their parents come to solutions in their marriage and will eventually mirror what they have witnessed. If both partners have an understanding of what needs to be done (husband vacuuming while the wife helps with homework) you can get rid of the “keeping score”conflict. One important notation: Researchers noticed that when wives expressed appreciation, husbands did more around the house.<br /><br />2. Low-stress moms make dinner from scratch. As a heat and serve mom(more than I care to admit), this one surprised me. But I think they have a point. All the families spent approximately one hour preparing dinner, whether it was fresh or processed. The moms who prepared processed, overcompensated by having additional side dishes. Simple, fresh and healthy seems to be the key. Researchers also found it best to encourage help from the kids. When involved with food choices and preparation, the kids ate what was served, engaged in conversation and were happier. <br /><br />3. Low-stress families find small moments of togetherness. The battle of quality time vs. quantity time is never ending. Quit worrying about expensive family vacations or perfect family outings. Real bonding time comes from the brief moments we spend with our children. Create great conversation when you are driving your kids to a soccer game. Make bedtime a special story and snuggling time. Steal a few minutes right after school. What child doesn’t love the ol’ cookies and milk after school. It is also the perfect time to find out about your child’s day. Family relationships thrive from the simple routines we form in life. Slow down and find time to cherish these moments.<br /><br />4. Low-stress moms take five minutes of me time. My first reaction to this tip was, who has time for this? Researchers think it is better to take that selfish 5-10 minutes to unwind before trying to tackle family issues. Mom’s especially need to figure out how to unwind and what makes them happy and calm. Whether it is a quick exercise routine, reading a chapter in a book, Jamba Juice, or yoga, find out what makes you your best self. Indulgent as it is, your family needs your best you.<br /><br />5. Low-stress families watch TV together. I loved this one because it takes some of the guilt away! Sometimes there is just not enough strength or planning time for a more interactive activity. Cut yourself some slack and remember that memories can be created watching the Jazz score a winning basket. It is O.K to spend 30 minutes laughing at the craziness of another family on Modern Family. Or relaxing with a movie, popcorn, and the entire family snuggled under blankets. Whenever you are having positive interaction with your children, you are building relationships. In the end, those bonds are what hold a family together.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-81169814283221179402012-02-17T09:41:00.001-08:002012-02-17T09:41:33.204-08:00I Like You Just The Way You Are!I Like You Just The Way You Are!<br /><br /><br /><br />That famous quote came from children’s television personality, Mr. Rogers. Fred Rogers based his television show on the fact that if somebody cares about you, you will care about others. Think about how this applies to you and your children. When you look at your child, is it possible to overlook the flaws and love your child just the way she is? As parents, we spend much of our parenting time teaching and improving, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But I strongly believe that our children need more approval and love. <br /><br />I see many parents who are chronically disappointed in their kids. When I ask parents in my workshops what would happen if they gave their children permission to be who they really are, many say they felt obligated to be disapproving. We live in an immediate society. At our fingertips, technology hands us urgent and precise answers to every question we have. Living in this world we begin to expect perfection. We must remember that this same approach does not work with our children. As parents we need to tone it down a notch when we are dealing with our kids. Parents must not focus on their children behaving perfectly just because they demand it. We all have a lifetime to work on becoming the best that we can be. Our children need that time. There are steps that must take place in a child’s life for them to grasp certain concepts. To help your children make it in the world, cut back a bit on the expectations and give our children some breathing room. <br /><br /> So how do we make sure our kids know we like them just the way they are?<br />(This advice is not only for parents, but grandparents too!)<br /><br />Fun is a necessity! Spend time with your child. Relax and have fun with your children. Fun is what builds respect and strengthens your relationship. Laugh with your kids. You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.<br />Share your dreams and goals for your family. Too often we get caught up in the day to day happenings of our lives and forget to talk with our kids about why we do what we do. Children need to hear your stories of life experiences. That is how they will understand your values. If you share with them the goals you have for the family, they will better understand the decisions you make and your intentions.<br />Know your child and their capabilities. Every child has talents. Help your child excel by discovering what his are. You can’t expect your child to successfully make it into a prestigious college if they are struggling in high school. Parents set their kids up for failure and disappointments when their expectations are too high. Help them understand what they are capable of and then help them find the path to achieve those goals.<br />Compliment your kids. Who doesn’t need to be told good things? Notice when your child does something well. Everybody is good at something. Do they dress nicely? Get good grades? Play video games well? Does the dishes? Compliment them on small things, big things...basically anytime you catch them doing good.<br /><br /><br />Wouldn’t it be nice if we looked at people and jelly beans and we liked them all? And we didn’t just choose the people that we thought were pretty or smart, or ate just the red or black jelly beans because they were our favorite flavors, but realized that people and jelly beans come in a variety and we can enjoy something about each one and love them for what they are.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-81846020428617971742011-10-04T15:17:00.000-07:002011-10-04T15:23:12.320-07:00Why Kids Choose The Friends They DoDo you remember when your mom and dad warned you to stay away from certain kids? And then maybe pushed you to make friends with others? Now that you are a parent I’ll bet you find yourself doing that same thing--mostly without success. <br /><br />Between the ages of 5 and 12, making friends is one of the most important missions of childhood - a social skill that will endure throughout their lives. Developmentally, school-age children are ready to form more complex relationships. They become increasingly able to communicate both their feelings and their ideas. At this age they are no longer so bound to the family or so concerned mostly about themselves. Friends are important because they share with one another the pleasures and frustrations of childhood.<br /><br />Choosing friends<br /><br />A number of factors can come into play as your youngster selects his friends. If he feels good about himself, and if he has been loved and respected within the family, he is more likely to make good choices of friends. If you and your spouse relate to each other well, and if your child has caring and supportive relationships with his brothers and sisters, he will have seen and experienced positive examples of how people can relate, and he will carry these impressions over into his own friendships, including the friends he chooses. On the other hand, if those family experiences have not been supportive and confidence-boosting, he is likely to seek out peers who have similar types of troubles. Make sure your home environment is healthy.<br />There is a reason children choose the friends they do. As a parent, it is helpful to be aware of what these reasons are and why your child chooses them. Sometimes they pick friends who have personality traits they desire. For example:<br /><br />Personality Trait Why This is Enticing <br />Fun Seekers---------Use it to improve their happiness level<br />Popular----------------Raise their own status with others<br />Gregarious------------Help them to lose their own shyness<br />Smart-------------------Makes them feel smarter or help with their grades<br />Funny-------------------Others want to be around or make them laugh<br />Cute older brother---Date to the prom<br />Negative influence---Rebel against their parents<br /><br />Once you understand why your child has chosen a particular friend, take some time to help your child understand why he has chosen a particular friend. This is will also give you an opportunity to discuss his own values, feelings, and behaviors.<br /><br />Healthy friendships<br /><br />A healthy friendship is one in which both children are on an equal footing. Neither child should dominate the other to make all the decisions on what activities to pursue. They should share and make an effort to please each other. <br /><br />Negative peer influences<br /><br />Dealing with negative peer influences is a challenge, but there are solutions. Some parents may demand that their own youngster stop spending time with this "bad influence," but this is not the best strategy. Your kids have to find out for themselves who their true friends are and who are people that are using them or just passing through their lives. If you interfere too often, you’ll lose the ability to guide them and you’ll likely make it harder for them to make critical decisions that they need to as they’ll be rebelling against you when choosing their friends rather than using their own judgment. <br /><br />At the same time, do not hesitate to express your displeasure over the less desirable playmates. Speak calmly and rationally when you explain why you would prefer that your child not spend too much time with them. Let him know the natural consequences if he ends up adopting the unacceptable behavior that you have seen in these other children, while still not absolutely forbidding the friendship. This approach will teach your youngster to think more logically and assume responsibility of his actions, and show that you trust his growing capacity to make the right decisions.<br /><br />Encourage Self Expression<br /><br />You want your child to enjoy healthy friendships, but you also want her to have a mind of her own. Teach your child that sometimes friends can disagree, or have different interests, beliefs, or tastes in clothing, music, and hobbies. Encourage her to seek her own path, and give her the confidence to say "no" to a friend whose trying to lead her down the wrong path.<br /><br />Your child’s preoccupation with people and events outside the family is natural and you should respect her boundaries, but it is imperative to remain actively involved in your child's life. Too often, peers end up filling the vacuum left by parents who are overly critical or largely absent.<br /><br />So what is a parents role? Stay involved, but remember: You would never want your child to choose your friends, so do not attempt to pick the people your child will associate with.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-90273506473573201482011-08-31T12:40:00.000-07:002011-08-31T12:41:07.274-07:00How To Get Kids Out The Door On Time
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<br />School is back in session. The excitement of the first few weeks is over and now you are falling back into old habits of previous years. It seems like there is always something that stops the getting-to-school-on-time momentum cold. It could be you hit the snooze button one too many times and now you are running late. Maybe your son cannot find his backpack or your daughter has changed her outfit ten times. You know all calm has left the house when you’re screeching and threatening “If you’re not out the door in five minutes, no Xbox tonight!”
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<br />It is time for a back-to-school morning intervention. Before I mention practical tactics to make your mornings positive, lets understand why it is not a good thing to start every day totally stressed. Studies have found that children who are often tardy have lower GPAs, lower standardized test scores and lower graduation rates. What studies cannot show is the damage that is done to a child’s self esteem when mom is yelling as they leave the house. I guarantee your child will not be performing at his best if your home is a battleground in the mornings.
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<br />So lets de-stress your mornings. When your children hear “Hurry up!”, “We’re late!”, “Let’s go!”, they dig their heels in and slow down. It is a natural reaction. Your goal is to be positive and not freak out in the mornings. Preparation begins the night before. Try to get clothes laid out. Plan lunch. Fill backpacks and set them by the door.
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<br />If your child has a difficult time waking up in the mornings, instead of walking into their room and barking “get up”, try something different. For younger children, get up 5 minutes earlier and go cuddle with them in bed. It is a delightful and peaceful way to start the morning. When it comes to older children, let your child be self reliant. Most kids will be thrilled to let mom and dad off the nagging track of school on-timeness. Take them to the store and let them pick an alarm that lets them wake up to music. Prepare yourself that there will be late days filled with anxiety. Be there to help, but let them experience it. Eventually, they will figure it out.
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<br />Throughout this process, give them positive feed back. Tell them how good they are at getting up on time, or how proud you are of them for preparing their backpack the night before. They will not be perfect everyday, but your goal is to find one thing they are doing right. You no longer need to be the drill sergeant. When you see your child walk out the door with a smile on their face in the mornings, your day will be complete!Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-54930374847290214932011-08-10T16:08:00.000-07:002011-08-10T16:19:28.381-07:00Time Out for Families
<br /> Time Out
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<br /> “Slow down and enjoy life. It is not only the
<br /> scenery you miss by going to fast...you also
<br /> miss the sense of where you are going and
<br /> why” Eddie Cantor
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<br />The accelerating pace of society is not only hurting our health, it is destroying our families. A balanced life of work and play is necessary to stay in touch with who we are and what our families are about.
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<br />When life becomes too busy, it is hard to enjoy anything. As a parent, when you are in a constant rush, it takes away the opportunity to get to know the people around you...your family. You cannot effectively parent if you are always in a hurry accomplishing task after task. It is imperative to put the brakes on and slow down. You must remember that children would much rather have your time than anything else you could possibly offer!
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<br />Finding time and slowing down is difficult. It will take some ingenuity on your part. But by realigning your goals and readjusting your priorities, your relationships with your kids (and your health) will improve. Here are some ideas.
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<br />Work Less
<br />You may not be able to quit your job, but maybe it is possible to cut back on the number of hours you are working. Quit work at 5 and don’t answer calls or emails.
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<br />I realized the importance of slowing down this while attending a little league football game. That particular game day, it was my responsibility to drive the team players to the football game. We were asked to arrive an hour before the game was to begin. It had been a busy day and I was running behind schedule. I was stressed and in a hurry to pick up each boy and get there on time. Once we made to to the field I realized I had forgotten my cell phone and laptop. What was I going to do with my free hour? The field was all the way across town, too great of a distance to run home and grab whatever I needed to keep myself busy. I was frustrated, but there was nothing to do but take a deep breath and relax. I began observing what was going on around me. It was around 5 PM. Many of the opposite team members were from Polynesian families. Entire families were arriving together. They were setting up for an early evening barbeque. They were laughing and talking with their children, thoroughly enjoying themselves. As the parents from our team arrived, they looked stressed. It looked like they had just arrived from work each in their own cars, with their dress shirts buttoned tightly and intense looks on their faces. I watched as they paced the sidelines talking on cell phones, putting it down long enough to holler at their sons. What a difference.
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<br /> It made me realize what crazy things we do to ourselves. This is no way to live life and no way to be an example to your child!
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<br />Kill Distractions
<br />Shut off the television, the phones, the computer. Don’t be the noisy family who cannot stand quiet. Their bodies slumber, but their spirits do not rest. When their hearts cry out for rest, they answer back with entertainment.
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<br />There was a conference on children and television at the White House. The Clintons and the Gores were there. All the guests were asked to present a 7-8 minute thought. Mr Rogers was there. In his presentation he asked for a few minutes of silence. When he left the room one of the military guards, dressed in white and gold thanked him. “For the silence and the time. I though about my grandfather’s brother who just before he died gave me his fishing pole. I’ve loved fishing all my life and that silence reminded me of him today.”
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<br />Let it Go.
<br />It is impossible to finish every task everyday. We often don’t relax because we are programmed to keep mental checklists. In our own minds, we are not productive unless we are accomplishing the tasks on our lists. Don’t try and be a Super Family. Super families are only as good as their latest report cards or athletic scores. They never miss a lesson or activity. One parent is always absent due to work. The other is always stressed but will make time to get the kids to their multiple activities. They push themselves and their children from one victory to the next. They are a family with much pride, but little joy.
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<br />Reevaluate.
<br />Get rid of the lessons and activities that you can do without. Especially the ones that send you driving across town at rush hour. Make sure your child is participating in activities that he enjoys. As a parent, you should be enjoying your kids. Lay in the grass and watch the clouds float. Fry an egg on the sidewalk when its hot. Discover a four-leaf clover. You are not wasting time, but investing in your relationship. Children are always learning from your example. Reevaluate the values you want your kids to emulate.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-22081518736761309412011-07-06T21:52:00.000-07:002011-07-06T21:53:53.545-07:00Motivating Your ChildChildren love life. Every child before self-consciousness sets in, acts spontaneously with total abandon and full involvement. Everything interests them. Have you ever watched a toddler? They whirl until they’re dizzy. Run until they fall. Paint wildly. Sing unconsciously. We all felt like that once. Life realities inevitably intruded. Maybe it was the arrival of another sibling, a bad grade, or friends laughing at us. We became afraid or lost our sense of safety. When we are scared, defensive, threatened or feeling inadequate we loose a bit of this feeling of aliveness. The results... we quit trying new things, our zest for life is tempered and motivation slows. <br /><br />While it is impossible to shield your child from life’s problems, it is important to provide the safest environment possible. A child’s motivation is sacred and needs to be protected. Parents are the best ones to protect their child’s dreams because they are the ones who understand, love and believe in their children.<br /><br />Keep as much fear and frustration out of your child’s world as possible. You want them to retain curiosity and have an excitement for learning. You have much to offer your child. No one can encourage and protect your child like you. The support, protection and love you give your child are far more important than the discipline.There will be plenty of disapproving people in your child’s life. Don’t add your name to that list.<br /><br />What is the best way to go about motivating our children?<br /><br /><br />Step One: Improve the attitude you portray<br /> Your children should feel the spirits of love, respect, trust and safety when they are near you. They need to know you will protect them, have positive comments for them and will always tell them the truth (gently). If you can keep this type of aura, your children will want to be around you and they will be blessed from your wisdom and good judgment.<br /><br />Step Two: Introduce New or Creative Activities<br /> Pay attention to your child’s abilities and introduce them to activities you enjoy or think they may enjoy. Teach them new skills like throwing a baseball, cooking, literature, horseback riding, music, video games, tennis, swimming, etc. Do not expect them to be perfect or learn it on their own. They need your help and guidance.<br /><br />Step Three: Set Your Own Standards of Success<br /> Don’t let others set the standards by which you will succeed. Protect your child from being overwhelmed. When a child is given more than they can handle, they quit trying. It kills motivation. A quick example: In grade school it is common practice for children to be given weekly spelling words. If your child struggles and continually fails the spelling test, work with your child. Don’t let them get discouraged. Figure out how many words she can realistically learn to spell in a week. Talk with her teacher. Adjust the number of words on her test. Let her have the satisfaction of getting 100% on a spelling test. Her motivation will soar. When your child has success, she will push herself and ask for more words.<br /><br />Step Four: There is not a timeline or creative path that fits everyone.<br /> Each child is unique. We did not all learn to walk at the same time or read at the same time. Let your child progress through life as ready. When your children are allowed to progress on their own timeline, they become excited about learning. Maturity affects motivation. Don’t push your children...let them grow at their own pace.<br /><br /> As unique individuals, none of us will travel down the same path or accomplish our goals in the same way. Help your child, but step back as they begin to discover their direction. <br /><br /> Another example of learning to be open to your child’s motivation: Too often as parents we are told that we must protect our kids from computers.( We all know there is a lot of garbage on the internet) My sons spent many hours playing games, using social media and browsing the internet. It took a lot of trust along with many conversations about the negative influences they would encounter online. Out of fear, I made sure our computers were located in rooms where traffic flowed. I knew I could not stop or control their curiosity and excitement for the technology they were inhaling. I had no idea where this interest would take them. I must admit, it has led to motivation and success in college. The skill and knowledge they obtained in their youth is leading to success in their careers. In fact my son is using social media to promote the new Hobbit movie that is currently in production. Go to: roadtotheshire.com and take a look. <br /> <br /><br />Coming next blog..Have you tapped into your own creativity? It may benefit your child to unblock your own creativity:Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-36974296394717205052011-06-30T13:34:00.000-07:002011-06-30T13:35:15.959-07:00Parenting Through Mistakes A mistake is never a mistake if you learn something. <br /><br />How many of you actually believe that statement? <br /><br /> I do...especially after I have done something stupid. To take away the guilt, I vow I will never do that again. It becomes a bit more difficult to have a strong belief in that statement when it comes to the nitty gritty of parenting children. <br /><br />Kids are bound to make many mistakes throughout their lives. That is one of the sureties in life like death and taxes. Making mistakes is one of the best ways children learn. Add in the natural consequence that accompanies the mistake and learning through mistakes probably teaches great lessons that are never forgotten. If you were the child who took a piece of Bubble Yum from the store, put it in your pocket and had mom accompany you back to the store with an apology and money for the manager, you will probably never steal again.<br /><br />So the next time your child makes a minor faux pas, try to remember that is what he is supposed to be doing...making mistakes and then learning from those mistakes. Step number one in parenting through mistakes is acknowledging that your child is going to make mistakes. As much as we would all like to have children who are mistake free, our children need to learn life lessons and mistake-making it one of the best ways for them to do that. As I was raising my brood, I found it was extremely helpful to watch the mistakes made by other people’s children that were a few years ahead of my children. Not only does this make you feel better about your “special”child, but it prepares you for the possible mistakes your child might make when they reach that age. Acknowledging that your child will make mistakes keeps your child’s development in perspective. It also helps you to be a calm, more patient parent.<br /><br />The second step in parenting through mistakes is to pre-plan your response to the mistake. None of us as parents want to think that our child will do the same thing as that awful ‘Johnny down the street’, but it is better to have a plan in place than be caught dumbfounded. Talk to other parents. Find out what solutions worked for them. Take a look at the outcome of their kids. If you don’t like what you see, I would suggest you find another parent with another solution. It is important to remember that no one’s kids are perfect and your best ally will be another parent who has struggled with some form of the same issue. Those parents are out there. Search for them.<br /><br /><br />Your reaction when you discover the mistake makes all the difference. Which leads us into the third step.<br />Parents often get hung up on the mistake instead of realizing that the way they handle the problem adds to the lesson their chid will learn. <br /><br />Let me give you a bad example. Lynda witnessed her daughter Julie hitting her friend. Lynda grabbed her daughter, spanked her multiple times while yelling, “Julie, we don’t hit!” What has Lynda taught her child? We do hit in this family. Julie will most likely continue to hit in a variety of forms throughout her life. In the future, she will disguise it so her mother will not witness the attack. <br /><br />Lets change that negative into a positive. How should Lynda have handled this situation? Lynda should have figured out why Julie was hitting her friend. Together, mother and daughter could have come up with a more appropriate solution. <br /><br />Here is the good example: Lynda walks up behind Julie putting her arms around her gently and hugging her. This not only calms her daughter but stops the hitting. “Julie, your friend wants to play with your doll. Do you think you can share for a few minutes?” If Julie does not think she can do this, Mom can help her find another toy to share. Or mom can make it a game to time how long each girl gets to play with the doll. It is all about negotiation until both children are happy. The lesson Julie is learning is how to get along with friends. Which will become a great asset in Julie’s future.<br /><br />In the future, don’t get mad at your children when they make a mistake. It does not show you are a bad parent when a mistake is made. Show them you understand and care enough to help them through it. Let your children make mistakes and learn from them.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-41868639400829436402011-05-10T09:39:00.000-07:002011-05-10T09:41:25.611-07:00How to Help Your Children THrive in a "Mean" WorldUnfortunately, the society our children are growing up in is rooted in meanness. Although, this is not a new phenomenon, it does seem to have escalated in recent years. Parents should be concerned when their kids are being mean and also when people are mean to their kids. In today’s world many of the adults and peers your child must deal with use sarcasm, teasing, name-calling or other behaviors that is degrading. Much of this behavior might be considered close to or akin to bullying behavior. <br /><br />It seems that in today’s society you cannot get away from it. Many of today’s television programs thrive on meanness. Much of the humor on TV these days is mean-spirited stuff; a lot of anger and dysfunction disguised in family sitcoms and reality shows. If kids continually see and hear it, they will mimic it. Television is not the only cause, but it does add to bad behavior.<br /><br />It is important that your children can distinguish between the positive and the negative. Once they understand and feel the difference, they will strive to fill their lives with positive influences and surround themselves with uplifting people. This knowledge not only helps them through the teenage years, but as adults when dealing with co-workers, bosses, friends and raising children(your grandchildren).<br /><br /><br />How do you help your child not emulate this edgy behavior?<br /><br />1. Make sure in your home you do not use sarcasm as a form of humor. Too often the negative behaviors our kids imitate begin in the home. As parents we may not even realize it, but our humor may be mean. Humor is important in our families, but it is important to make sure when we laugh it is at the situation, not making fun of another person. The attitudes and behaviors of our children begin with the parents.<br />2. Help your child be aware of meanness and where it is coming from. You do not want your child to feel bad about themselves when they are bullied, made fun of or belittled. It happens to everyone at some point in their lives. So help your children understand this meanness is not about them. Rather, it is showing the insecurities about the person who is attacking them. <br />3. Monitor the programs your child is watching on television. Script writers are taught to create conflict. There is deliberate casting and deliberate provocation because it boosts ratings. Because it makes the show funnier, often this meanness is disguised in nice family sitcoms. Watch programs with your children and point out the meanness. Your child is capable of understanding how a comment or an incident can hurt someone’s feeling, even if it is funny. Help your kids understand what is appropriate and not appropriate behavior.<br />4. Teach your child to walk away. If someone is treating your child in a negative manner, they need to know it is O.K. to remove themselves from the situation; that includes a friend, a teacher, a coach, a boss...anyone who affects them in a negative way. You want your child to know they are of value and not allow anyone to treat them this way.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-18669121768383221752011-04-24T17:45:00.000-07:002011-04-24T17:47:58.710-07:00Belief WindowsBelief Windows<br /><br />As I do parenting workshops or work one on one with parents, I have found many parents are struggling to create a peaceful environment in their homes. It seems there is constant bickering between family members and relationships with their children or their spouse are so negative. Often the problem lies within the parent and their Belief Windows. Belief Windows affect the decisions we make and the actions we take with our families.<br /><br />What are Belief Windows?<br /><br />You cannot actually see your Belief Window because it’s invisible, but we all have one. It is figuratively attached to your head and hangs in front of your face Every time you move, that window goes with you. You look at the world through it and what you see is filtered back to you through it. Our outlook on the world around us is determined by our belief windows. We begin forming these belief windows from birth. Some of the belief statements are good, some not so good. These windows change as we change and improve.<br /><br />How do these Belief Windows form?<br /><br />The Beliefs on our windows:<br />*Come from previous experience. Example: As a child you have had a bad experience with a dog, you might believe that all dogs are vicious. <br />*Come from what people have taught us when we were young or from cultural messages. Example: As a child you take candy from the store and parent makes you go back and pay for it. You learn stealing is bad.<br /> *General observations of life Example: Growing up, you watch as your father always takes out the garbage, you assume it is a husbands responsibility to take care of garbage<br /><br />Some of us can barely see out of our belief windows because they are so crowded with<br />statements of how we believe things should be. The smaller the viewing area through our window, the less willing we will be to test our assumptions and beliefs.<br /><br />Examples of destructive Family Belief Windows:<br /><br />*Good moms have a clean house at all times<br />*Successful children get all “A’s” <br />*Children should be reading by the time they start kindergarten<br />*If we have money, or a big house, or a nice car, we will be a happy family.<br />*Child should attend a particular college<br />*Daughter should play tennis/Son should play football<br />*Children should never talk back to their parents<br /><br />(Something is wrong is you have too many “shoulds” on your window. Be wary of “should” behaviors)<br /><br />So, how well can you see out of your belief window?<br />Is it streaked with lots of untrue, outdated, or damaging belief statements<br />that limit your options in life?<br />Or is it clean and easy to see through, framed by tested and true belief<br />statements that keep your options open?<br /><br />We can clear our belief windows. <br /><br />First, we need to recognize and acknowledge the very existence of these belief statements and that some of them might be wrong and stopping our progression.<br />Second, look at the results you are getting in life. Are these results bringing you happiness or do they produce pain in your life.<br />Third, Ask yourself what beliefs might be on your Belief Window that could be changed. Talk to a friend or a professional to get an impartial opinion.<br />Fourth, Implement a new behavior and evaluate the results. A correct belief on your belief window should bring peace and happiness into your life and your family.<br /><br />Examples always help: <br /><br />I recently worked with a young couple with small children. They constantly argued and the children were always fighting. To the husband this seemed to be normal behavior because that is how life was for him growing up in his home. The wife was very unhappy in this environment and uncomfortable with what was going on at home. This is not how she was raised. She expressed her concerns to a dear friend who assured her that she was right. Her home was dysfunctional and it did not need to be that way. This cute, young mother stressed to her husband that they needed help. She convinced him to go to counseling. Through counseling and group therapy, the psychologist was able to show the husband that his perception of what goes on in a normal family home was not correct. The couple was able to make the necessary changes and is now experiencing a new level of joy at home.<br /><br /><br />When you come up against a situation or problem within your family. Examine your belief window. I find when parents are open to change, their lives improve!Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-6720299233288974392011-03-15T16:29:00.000-07:002011-03-15T16:35:57.048-07:00Moms Need Friends<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4GnYxjkRB_3o4F_PqVl-FHUFG9iAPH3dbC3dRKjJGksJXBFU97AhzRctIBvV02bo-ix5jA5Bz0ce2c9Exv4gbaldheF3YcRSawdEZX-EwNxw1ZfmvxRFsDretOx3kxj4XaEemQyYDv_4/s1600/IMG00079-20110213-2107.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4GnYxjkRB_3o4F_PqVl-FHUFG9iAPH3dbC3dRKjJGksJXBFU97AhzRctIBvV02bo-ix5jA5Bz0ce2c9Exv4gbaldheF3YcRSawdEZX-EwNxw1ZfmvxRFsDretOx3kxj4XaEemQyYDv_4/s320/IMG00079-20110213-2107.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5584454508526152706" /></a><br />One of the greatest things about having children is the grandchildren that eventually bless your life. Many of you who read my blog are young mothers and have never had the time to process this joy that is yet to come. While raising my kids,I never even thought about it. I can promise you one thing...it comes fast! Lets even go for two promises in this first paragraph. On your most difficult days as a mom, I can promise you will be rewarded for the effort you have put into your parenting in the form of grandchildren. Oh, the joy grandkids bring! I cannot even describe it. It is one of those things you have to experience.<br /><br /> My daughter Stacie just gave birth to her first baby. I was lucky enough to be invited to see little Ozzie born. At the moment this little guy made its way into this world, I was overwhelmed. Standing on the sidelines as Grandma, assisting with the birth, gave me an entirely new perspective. When I was giving birth, I was the one on the table watching as doctors and nurses scurried around. I know this is crazy, but I sometimes think it is easier to be the one on the table because you have such trust and faith in the doctors. As a mother watching her daughter bring this soul to us, I was a nervous wreck. I pride myself on staying calm. But I was ready to pounce on any doctor who messed it up! It was such a relief to see all the right parts in all the right places. Now it is over, I must thank the medical professionals for paying attention in class during med school and spending all those years honing their craft. They did an excellent job.<br /><br />Birth is like death. I believe it brings the best out in people. My daughter and her husband live far away from ‘gammy’. As hard as that is on us, my kids are lucky because their friends are there for them. While I was there, these friends took the time to let me know they would be taking care of my kids and this new grandbaby. It is from these thoughtful gestures that I decided I needed to blog about friendships and how as parents we need the help of friends. <br /><br />Whatever the crisis, we all get by with a little help from our friends. But we may need to lean a little harder on them when we have kids. True friends are hard to come by. We all have a variety of friends that meet our needs at different times and in different ways. When I talk about a true friend, I mean someone who will tell you the truth. Someone who will be there when you are depleted. Someone who knows what you need before you ask. Someone who treats your kids as their own. Believe it or not, there are people out there like this. The key to finding them is to emulate all of these characteristics in yourself.<br /><br />Here are just a few suggestions:<br /><br />A Sympathetic Ear:Listen to your friend without judging. Give her your time<br /> and your understanding. Don’t try to solve her problem. Focus<br /> on what your friend is feeling and validate those feelings.<br /><br />A Helping Hand: Offer to watch her kids. Fill her refrigerator with<br /> goodies.Help with the house. Mow her lawn. Fold the laundry. <br /> Whatever you can see needs to be done...do it.<br /><br />Offer Emotional Support: Check in with a phone call, an email or a card. Make<br /> play dates with the kids. Go on walks to the park together.<br /> Shop together. Tend each others kids while you take turns at <br /> the gym.<br /><br />One of the greatest gifts we can give each other is the opportunity to lend a hand. Chances are good that your friend will return the favor to you or someone else down the road. Don’t try to do it alone. Try to help or allow yourself to be helped through friends.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-66870362344966861682011-02-18T15:51:00.001-08:002011-02-18T15:51:57.877-08:00The "D" WordWhat is the correct way to discipline your child? Just mentioning the word discipline brings up controversy. Spank or not spank... rigid or relaxed... force or freedom...tough love or abuse; there are many opinions. All families are different. Parents have their own personalities. Children are unique. No family situation will or can be the exact same. So it is difficult to set hard and fast rules about what kinds of discipline will work in your home. Having said that, I must emphasis that there are certain truths about discipline that must not be ignored.<br /><br />The word discipline comes from the Latin word disciple, which means to teach or to learn. Discipline was never meant to be used as a form of punishment. If your chosen method of discipline does not teach your child how to improve, it is absolutely wrong! Your role as a parent is to nurture your child. Children need time, care and parental involvement in their lives. They need to be allowed to make mistakes and not be punished for making those mistakes. Things can go very wrong if a child doe not receive positive messages when they do something wrong. Don’t call it a failure, call it an education.<br /><br />Many professionals claim that a lack of strict discipline is the problem with today’s kids. This is simply not true. In fact, just the opposite is true. If your home environment involves overly strict parents with rigid discipline, your kids will at some point rebel, publicly or privately. When parents use a rigid form of discipline, they are parenting out of fear. Why are they fearful? There are multiple reasons:<br />*Parents are frightened they are losing control of their child. <br />*Parents are frightened they are losing power over their child:<br />*Parents are frightened they are not good parents and do not know how to handle a situation. <br /><br />When you discipline out of fear you eventually use control to discipline. Control is often referred to as tough love. Tough love is a lazy parenting technique that exhibits itself when a parent is tired or not willing to put in the effort to figure out what they need to do to help a child. From personal experience with my own children, when I got tough, they quit trying. Children do not need toughness. They need love, understanding and help. <br /><br />Anger usually accompanies tough love or control. When a parent uses anger as a form of discipline they believe they are commanding respect from their child, Anger is often used by parents because it gives an immediate response, stopping a child from a particular behavior. Do not fool yourself as a parent. When you use anger in your discipline, there is always damage to your child. A child who is fearful or acts out with violence is a child who has been raised with an angry parent. As an adult you are in charge of your emotions. Calm yourself when you are disciplining your child.<br /><br />So if control and rigid rules are not the best way to discipline, what is the best way to discipline your child? Ask yourself how you like to be reprimanded. At work, do you learn when a boss or co-worker yells or sets rigid rules when you make a mistake? No. Don’t you learn more when someone communicates with you in a gentle manner? That is the exact way you will have success with your child. <br /><br />I learn best from examples, so let me give you a positive example. Say your son is playing baseball too close to the house and a ball breaks the window. You may have already asked him to be careful and he probably knows better. If your response is to scream at your son or take away his baseball or ground him, has he learned anything? When you humiliate your child, you have robbed yourself of the opportunity to teach. Your goal with discipline is to help your children learn from their own experiences in a positive manner. Your child has made a mistake. He knows he has made a mistake. The shattering of the glass makes anyone cringe. Begin by helping your child clean up the glass. This gives you an opportunity to do something physically and also gives you time to calm down. This is a great time to gently <br />talk to your child about the expenses involved with a broken window. Give your child opportunities to earn small amounts of money to replace the window. When a difficult situation is handled with love and understanding instead of punishment and degrading, a great lesson is learned that will stay with your child for the rest of his life. <br /><br />It is important as parents to learn about the stages of development and recognize that certain undesired behavior may be normal for a child at a given age and maturity level. Such knowledge can help a parent respond lovingly when a child pushes an anger trigger. Practice expressing concerns calmly and with an attitude of respect, without attacking or blaming your child. If you can change your attitudes about discipline from one of punishing to teaching, you will be amazed at the maturity and growth you will witness in your child. Your child will be confident, happy and successful. Isn’t that what we all want as parents? Give it a try!Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-29948321756151273342011-02-09T21:29:00.001-08:002011-02-09T21:30:33.314-08:00Tiger MomsHave any of you paid attention to the recent article "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior?" That was the headline of a Wall Street Journal essay excerpted from Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, the new book from Amy Chua. Battle Hymn is a memoir on Chua's experiences as a mother describing a very strict and rigid style of parenting. I must admit as I was raising my kids I wondered how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. It seemed as if there wasn’t a dumb one in the bunch They were all either math whizzes or Suzuki prodigies winning every honor at the high school awards ceremony. After reading this article and doing a bit of research, I feel I need to blog about my findings so none of you are led to believe this might be a better way to raise children.<br />First, I respect that Chinese parents give everything to their children and also many of their values such as a strong work ethic. I believe all good parents, Western and Eastern believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away. What I disapprove of are the methods suggested in this article used to make children successful. Amy Chua never allowed her daughters to:<br /> attend a sleepover<br />have a play date<br /> be in a school play<br />complain about not being in a school play<br /> watch TV or play computer games<br />choose their own extracurricular activities<br />get any grade less than an A<br />not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama<br />play any instrument other than the piano or violin<br />not play the piano or violin. <br />Western parents might believe they are being strict, they are nowhere close to Chinese mothers. They believe nothing is fun until your good at it. Practicing the piano every day for 30 minutes is what Western parents do. Eastern moms believe 2-3 hours is a must. I could continue with more examples, but this blog would be too long. I have included the link to this article if you would like to read it. <br /><br />One of the reasons we live in the Western World is for our freedoms. What are we doing as parents if we take those choices away from our children? Sure our kids may not always be number one in their class. They may even fail on occasion. I happen to believe that some of the most important lessons I learned in life came from my failures. <br /><br />As many of you know from reading ParentFix and this blog, I believe it is important for children to find their passions. They need to learn how to socialize with other kids. I also believe it is important for your child to try a variety of talents, not be dictated too, or forced, even belittled by their parents (calling them “fat” or “lazy”) when they fail. Not every child has the ability to get straight “A’s” . When did getting a “B” become such a bad thing?<br /><br />I must admit you will find success stories with this kind of parenting. But I believe if we could track the data, there is more negative that comes from too much pressure put upon a child. There is one fact that must not be overlooked. The suicide rates for Asians are much higher, in some areas of the U.S. as much as 50 %. <br /><br />The reason I chose this topic is because I would ask you to reevaluate your goals as parents. What is more important for your child? A high level of success or happiness?Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-49636125389686242782010-12-16T12:00:00.000-08:002010-12-16T12:01:13.532-08:00Creating A Safe HavenMaking Your Home a Place Your Kids want to Be<br /><br />Parents sometimes do not realize how important it is that their home be a place their kids want to be. Most, if not all of the problems our children face can be solved in the home. The culture we are a part of, that we are bringing our children up in is a culture which hurts them. It does not teach them that they are good, worthy, valuable and important. This culture equates success, beauty and goodness only with external appearances and accomplishments. The effects on our children are showing up at earlier and earlier ages...eating disorders, addictive behaviors, etc<br /><br />It is in our homes we can make the difference. It is impossible to change society, but it is possible to control how are children are affected by the world. Parents can do this in the home by creating a Safe Haven. Home is the place for nurturing and teaching. It is where parents have the power to prepare their children to feel good about themselves. If they leave home with confidence, they will be able to effectively handle whatever the world throws at them. <br /><br />Three Components of the Safe Haven<br /><br />Aura of peace and calm<br />No yelling<br />No crticizing<br />No demeaning<br />Positive Understanding/Caring Atmosphere<br /><br />Place where ideas can be shared freely<br />*Children need to be allowed and encouraged to express their opinions without criticism<br />*Beliefs need to be discussed openly<br />*Parent need to be teachable. You can learn a lot from your child<br /><br />Atmosphere of Love<br />*Unconditional love is always present<br />*Love needs to be expressed on a daily basis<br />*Parent attitude towards child exudes patience and understanding<br /><br />Sounds wonderful, but impossible. It is possible. How do you do it? How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. You take this one step at a time. <br /><br />1.Pick one item on the list of Safe Haven components<br />(If you finish the 3 Safe Haven Components listed above...congratulations! There are many more in the Safe Haven-Chapter 2-in ParentFix)<br />2.Work on it for an hour, a day, a week. <br />3.When you have that under control, pick another item on the list.<br />4.If you blow it, go back to the first item and start over.<br /><br />Remember the parent is responsible for the atmosphere in the home.<br /><br />You will be amazed at the changes that can occur within your home, just by taking the first step. The happiness in your children will keep you motivated to create a Safe Haven.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-6749481215159539882010-11-30T12:13:00.000-08:002010-11-30T12:24:34.862-08:00In this world of technology, are we failing to teach our children necessary life skills?I recently read an article published in the AP by Beth Harpaz entitled "Are we raising a bunch of idiots? Many parents believe that this generation of kids are a generation of idiots or nincompoops. I strongly disagree and here is why:<br /><br />This is a unique world our children are growing up in. Very different from the experiences most of us as parents grew up with. It is important to remember the skills they are learning will benefit them in ways they need to survive. Technology is here to stay and I believe as a parent you need to embrace it and praise your kids for how quickly they have mastered computer skills, texting, graphic arts, etc. (With all the computer games our kids play, eye/hand coordination must be at an all time high!)<br /><br />Think about it... generations before us had none of the modern conveniences we grew up with. Pioneers had to make everything by hand to survive. They had to farm to eat, sew their own clothing, build a fire to get warm, haul water to wash dishes or bathe. What would our ancestors think of us? Our generation would also be considered lazy and ignorant. After all, how many of us know how to milk a cow? We all have to adapt our skills to meet the needs of the world we live.<br /><br />Having said that, there are skills kids need that may be pass them by. It is important to remember that as a parent, you are ultimately responsible for the education of your child, whether it be in school, life skills or social skills. When it comes to our schools, our school systems are not perfect. But, if you get involved and stay positive your child will excel.<br /><br />Specific Skills Your Kids May Need Help With:<br /><br />With the use of GPS systems your kids may need to learn Driving or Directions<br /><br />Solve it: While your child is getting driving hours, take the time to get out a physical map of the city and or state. Go over it with your child, showing them points of interest: The capital building, ski resorts, E-Center, major cities, etc.<br /><br />Because of Twitter/Texting your kids may need to learn how to talk to adults.<br /><br />Solve it: Talk with them about current events that interest them. Invite interesting people to dinner and have conversation.<br /><br />Because of Video Games your kids may need real life experience<br /><br />Solve it: Plan fun activities that your child would enjoy away from the computer, preferably outside...skiing, bowling or swimming.<br /><br />Because of doing so much homework on the computer your child may not know how to write<br /><br />Solve it: Buy some cute cards and hand write thank you notes together.<br /><br />Because of all the modern electronic conveniences, your kids may not survive if the power goes out.<br /><br />Solve it: Take a day or a weekend and try roughing it. No TV, no cell phones, no microwave, no dishwasher. Make it fun and a teaching moment about how other generations lived.<br /><br />So,when you kids don't know how to do something, teach them. None of us know it all. Have fun and teach your child the skills you feel are important. Learning can and should be excitingMaggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-51326471920822074842010-10-25T15:23:00.000-07:002010-10-25T15:24:57.938-07:00Understanding tweens to teensHow do you approach the change of tween to teen<br /><br />Not only is this a very puzzling time for you as a parent, it is a very confusing time for your child. Emotional outbursts, meltdowns, and stupid decisions will leave parents dumbfounded as what to do.<br />(How many teens does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. Your teen holds the light bulb in the socket and the whole world revolves around her.)<br /><br />Question from a recent workshop:<br />“I find myself getting angry with my kids much too often. I can't seem to help myself – they really know how to push my buttons. When they purposely disobey me, or are outright disrespectful, I fly off the handle. How can I control my own anger when it's the kids' misbehavior that makes me so mad?” <br />Educate yourself about the development your tween is experiencing<br />It is easier to be patient and understanding with your tween if you know that most of their behaviors are the result of a physical change. <br /> According to Dr. Jay Giedd (who has devoted the last 13 years using MRI’s to peer inside the heads of teens) the brain develops in stages. The final part of the brain to develop is the part capable of making organized decisions. For example, Do I finish my homework, or clean my room or go see a movie with my friends? Most teens will choose the movie. Which drives a parent crazy thinking their child is irresponsible. (Sometimes as an adult I think it would be good for all of us if occasionally we could all drop our responsibilities and be spontaneous like a tween.) Be patient with your tweens as they learn to be responsible There are some things you should do when when you try to reason with a teen. they will comprehend when you give immediate results. For example, “If you choose to drink alcohol on the weekends, you will probably get kicked off the football team.” Rather than “Your health will suffer” or “You will end up an alcoholic, living on the streets.”<br /><br />Remember that your teenagers behavior is not just his pigheadedness to drive you crazy. In reality, they need you to teach them and be patient with them. Think about it. Is it your children's misbehavior that makes you angry? Or is it your view of their behavior that creates angry feelings? There's a big difference. The first question suggests that you have no control over your emotions or actions. The second implies that by changing your view you can change your reaction. <br /><br />Top Four Tween Behaviors that Drive You Crazy and Solutions<br />Behavior: Emotional Outbursts (Flipping out at a simple request from mom, Blaming parents for making them late, or saying mean things to mom or dad)<br /><br />Time out is for big people. too. Put some space between you and the child who's pushing your buttons. When you feel your anger rising, put yourself there! A few minutes away from the source of your angry feelings can help you calm down enough to address the situation rationally. Nothing can be solved in a fit of anger. You'll be better off if you take the time to calm down and then approach your child from a position of strength<br />Behavior: Sleeping In All The Time<br />What's normal? Learn more about child development by reading a book or taking a class. If you learn that your child's current behavior is age-appropriate and normal, you'll be less likely to overreact to the behavior. It's amazing how alike children are, and just knowing that your kid is responding in a typical way can help you handle the issue with a level head. There are many books, the internet and psychologists you can consult. (Parents go crazy when their kids sleep in late or all day long. In an adult, the melatonin in your body increases in the evening creating your body to start shutting down. In the brain of a teen the melatonin is programmed for a later hour than an adult. That is why they stay up late and then struggle to get up in the morning.) <br />Behavior: Stupid Decisions (Tween driving without a license)<br /><br />3. Act – don't react. Take the time to think about the things that make you angry. Put together a list of family rules. Enumerate the consequences for breaking the rules. Communicate clear expectations to your children. Decide in advance and with your child what methods of discipline you will use. If you have a plan up front, you'll be less likely to lose control when your children misbehave. For example if you find out your son has been driving the family car and he is not yet 16. In this situation, ask your self why your son is stealing the car? He obviously is excited about driving. So take him out driving. This will give you the opportunity to teach him how to drive correctly. Drive with him often. So often he begs to stop. The stupid decision he has made will stop.<br />Behavior: MeltDown (Crying, Stressing Out, Not able to deal with a situation)<br />4. Hug 'em. When you find yourself ready to put your hands around your kid and shake him, DO put your hands around him – and love him. Embrace him in a hug. If possible, do this in front of a mirror or reflective window. A few minutes of quiet, while you embrace your child, will often temper your angry feelings with the strong feeling of love between you.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-50080377909597316012010-09-02T12:35:00.000-07:002010-09-02T12:47:37.983-07:00"Mom, Can I ...?""At what age should I let my child...." is a difficult question for every parent. Especially when you have kids that push to move ahead faster than you, as a parent are ready to let them. Kids are all unique and will want different things at different ages. Here are a few ideas to help: <br /><br />1. Plan Ahead. Teach your child to live in the present.<br /> "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" This biblical quote(you don't have to be religious to use it) is something I used many times with my children. It is important to remind children that they will never be the age they are right now,ever again. So enjoy it. Live in the present because you can always go forward, but never back. I used it for topics such as dating, driving, sex, shaving legs, wearing makeup. Talk about it with your kids, preferably before they reach the age they think they are smarter than you.<br /><br />2. Set Rules Together<br /> This means you must communicate. When your child comes to you with a request, sit down and talk about it. Ask questions and figure out why your daughter wants to wear makeup in kindergarten. You don't want to make your child odd, but you also don't want your child to be the trend setter other parents hate. <br /> Be reasonable. If you try to be understanding and reasonable your child will also try to abide by the goals you have both set. This is your opportunity to explain your beliefs and your fears. For example, explain why you want them to wait to single date until they are 16 years old. Girls will probably not understand that they are not secure in their ability to say "no" to a good looking young man before then. Boys are just not ready to take on the responsibility of a girl friend before 16, maybe even 21! Hanging out in large groups is fine and probably a lot more fun. If you can calmly discuss the reasons with your kids, they will surprise you with how mature they can be. <br /><br />3. Do it Right<br /> Teach them how to appropriately handle the behavior they are requesting. Don't expect because they know enough to ask permission they know what they are doing.<br /> *When your daughter starts wearing makeup, teach her how. (Too much make up is not flattering or makes her look like a "ho".)<br /> *Texting. Teach them when is it not appropriate to text? While driving or during class.<br /> * Drivers License. (Take the time to drive with them. )<br /><br />4. Give them an out.<br /> Sometimes children think they are mature enough to handle a particular behavior and realize they are not ready. Parents are the perfect scapegoat. Let them out with some dignity. You do not need to say "I told you so."<br /> *Sleep over. if they want to come home early, give them a cell phone to use<br /> *Party that goes wild. Before they go, tell them if at any point they want to come home you will pick them up and not question why.<br /><br />5. Pay Attention. It is through your child's behavior that you learn of your child's needs. <br /> If you refuse to ignore the above steps and react out of anger with a statement such as, "Absolutely Not! " and/or "Because I said so" you are setting yourself up for failure. Anger will not change the behavior, it will only put a temporary end to the request. The behavior will eventually resurface in another form at a later date. Why? Because the behavior of your child is an exhibition of a need that requires fulfillment. <br /> When a baby is hungry, she cries<br /> When a toddler spies a toy he wants, he takes it.<br /> When a teenage girl dresses risque, she is looking for the attention of teenage boys and she has found a way to get it. <br />Don't get angry at your child, help them. Tell them how much you love them and then teach them.<br /><br />6. Safety First to ease your mind while children are spreading their wings.<br /> Know your child's friends.<br /> Know their friend's parents <br /> Make sure your child has a way to contact you at all times and you them.<br /><br />Remember, your goal is to teach correct principles so they can eventually govern themselves!Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-57494385603281637232010-08-21T22:11:00.000-07:002010-08-21T22:12:18.783-07:00Back to School-Teaching Kids to be Self Sufficient<br /><br />It seems that just when you have adjusted to a summer schedule, school begins for fall, which means a whole new routine. When school starts, moms have more time and freedom, which is a welcome relief. But it can be quite stressful when your child comes home at the end of their first day frustrated with problems. Remember your child is facing new classes, new teachers, new schedules, and plenty of new expectations. Whenever there is change involving new opportunities, there is also excitement, tears, frustration and confusion. Sometimes as parents we expect our children to handle these problems on their own. Most children need help learning organization skills. If you can teach your child to be self sufficient or more organized, you can lesson the frustrations.<br /><br />As a parent, your goal is to teach your child organization skills so eventually they will be self sufficient.<br /><br />Acknowledge that each child will have new problems as they return to school. Your goal is to solve each problem as they arrive calmly. By doing this you are teaching them problem solving techniques that will benefit them throughout their lives.<br /><br /> 1. Discuss the problem with your child.<br /> 2. Discuss possible solutions.<br /> 3. Let your child choose the solution.<br /> 4. Help your child accomplish the desired solution <br /><br />Example Problem:<br /><br />Lost notes from a teacher or missing homework assignments.<br /><br />Example Solutions:<br /><br /> 1. Organized Backpack<br /> 2. Organize an area at home for school assignments<br /> 3. Organization at school for locker or desk<br /> 4. Buy a planner and show your child how to use it<br /> 5. Go online to check student's progress <br /><br />Remember:<br /><br /> 1. You are "teaching". Do not expect that your child automatically knows how to organize or be self sufficient.<br /> 2. Have patience, especially with those kids that are lacking in organizational skills. Do not expect perfection immediately<br /> 3. Stay calm. This is not a problem that should destroy the relationship<br /> 4. Your child wants to be successful. Your child wants to be self sufficient. Help them to find that success. <br /><br />Parenting Workshop<br />Thursday, September 16th<br />Barnes and Noble<br />10180 South State Street<br />Sandy, Utah<br />7:30 p.m.<br />Register online at www.parentfix.comMaggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-81871948089123750952010-08-11T20:13:00.000-07:002010-08-11T20:21:56.528-07:00Responses to the Summer ChallengeI got such a kick out of the responses I got on my webpage to the summer challenge we gave to parents on Studio 5, that I thought I would post a few on this blog. All I can say is "Way to go parents!". Just the fact that you took this seriously and gave it a try is amazing. Here goes:<br /><br />I took your summer challenge. I gotta admit, I did not believe it would work. But I was at my wits end with the fighting and arguing going on with my three little boys. Instead of getting done all the things on my list, I changed gears and we spent every morning doing activities my boys wanted to do. I can’t tell you the change this brought about in our family. The boys are not fighting anymore. They actually get along and play together. I even found I started looking forward to our morning activities. I really found I had a fun summer and was a lot happier playing with my kids. <br />Rebecca Johnston/SLC<br /><br /><br />I liked your ideas on Studio 5 about fixing relationships. I have two teenage boys who will hardly talk to me. The ignore everything I say. I figured this summer would be a good time to try and figure out what was wrong. I took your advice and started writing down our conversations. You were right. All I was doing was nagging them. I was shocked to see how negative I had become. So it was hard, but I quit saying all the negative stuff. Instead of telling them to shut off the television, I sat down and watched TV with them. We went and got slurpees every day. Something I normally never do. I was amazed how they started talking to me. I think when they realized I could be a nice person, they actually wanted me around. I’m not perfect at this yet, but I will never let our relationship go back to what it was. Thank you for that simple solution!<br />Jeanie Sharp/Bountiful<br /><br /><br />O.K. I know I am a bit rigid and it was my husband who suggested I try your challenge. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I have always felt bad that my kids would rather be around their dad. I’m tired of being the “not fun” parent. But I did it. I played hooky all summer. The house is a mess and I feel like we have not gotten anything responsible done, but we had the best time. I didn’t realize that it was me who was making my youngest daughter be so stressed out. She told me yesterday that this had been the best summer of her life! I actually will be sad to see them go back to school. Although it will feel good to get the house cleaned up.<br />Trisha Thompson/DraperMaggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-20526039000646079932010-06-15T20:41:00.000-07:002010-06-15T20:43:20.913-07:00Adjusting to Summer ParentingSummer can be tough on Mom's as they head back to work while the kids are at home for summer vacation. This is tough. Moms express not only a lot of worry about what their kids do all day long, but a lot of guilt. As a mom you may be overwhelmed with guilt. It really does you no good to wallow in guilt. Use it to analyze your motives. It may cause you to initiate change that is best for you and your family.<br /><br />For example: Are you working for extra money? Ask yourself "Do I really need this money? Is your time better spent with your kids?<br /><br />Can you work less hours or job share for the summer? If you truly analyze your motives, change things up, then your guilt should ease.<br /><br />If work is necessary to put food on the table or make house payments, then you can get rid of the worry by planning and be involved with your kid.<br /><br /> 1. Activities to keep kids having fun and busy which also keep the parent involved even though they are at work: <br /><br />Visits to the library for interesting books (summer book club within the family) Combination Activities that include TV and Outdoor: Watching the Tour De France and Biking; Watching Wimbledon and Playing Tennis Find a swimming pool membership where there is supervision and a lifeguard Computer classes you can work on together. Child goes to class and then teaches the parent after work<br /><br />Guilt and Worry are not necessarily bad if they help you bring about change. Worry Wisely. Worrying can be a good thing. It helps you deal with problems before they become disasters. But make it productive worrying. Productive worrying catapults you into action and brings about positive results.<br /><br />It is always important to express to your kids that you would rather be home with them than working. It will make you as a mom feel better too.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-28481699316989167782010-06-07T20:35:00.000-07:002010-06-07T21:16:57.221-07:00The Best Places To Put Your Parenting EnergiesSummer is an excellent time for parents to try something new with their kids. As I present parenting workshops there is one common thread in each workshop. I am seeing families under so much pressure, I think things are going to explode With all the continual pressures that currently exist in our families, it is important to figure out the best places to put our parenting energies. This requires parents to make a few changes. I challenge parents to try the following four ideas throughout the next three months of summer. As parents, I believe you will see changes in the dynamics of your family. <br /> <br />1. Plan Fun, Positive Activities on a Daily Basis <br />*Spend time together often as families, doing something you all enjoy<br />*It does not have to be an expensive vacation<br />*Get outdoors to make you feel more vibrant about life<br /> Picnic<br /> Watch a baseball game<br /> Walk the dog together<br /> Frisbee at the park <br /> <br />All of this leads into number 2 suggestion<br /> <br />2. Strengthen Your Relationship<br />A strong bond with your child is important. Why?<br />When your child is confronted with critical decisions, it is the strength of your relationship that will make the difference in your child's ability to resolve them.<br />Don't assume just because this is a parent/child relationship that all is well or that love/respect occur naturally. Take stock in your relationship.<br /><br />Ask yourself:<br />Do we enjoy spending time together?<br />Do we have plenty of things to talk about?<br />Are we able to relax together?<br />Do we share any common interests?<br /> <br />Try this exercise: As you assess the situation, make note of every interaction and conversation. Jot things down. Write down what you say and your child's response.<br />As you analyze your data, notice the patterns that begin to emerge. <br />This eye-opening exercise should give you an understanding of your relationship and explain why your children are responding to your requests. If the conversations you are initiating consist mostly of negativity or nagging, the responses you get from your child will also be negative. <br /> <br />Think about the people you as an adult choose to be around. <br />Why do you think you choose the people you do? <br />The people I like to be around have something in common with me. Either we like to do the same activities or have vivid conversations or we laugh together. It is not someone who takes the role of a superior or a boss that is telling me what to do. <br />Too often we as parents end up alienating our children because we become "the order giver". Your children will not want to interact with you if they know that every conversation they have with you will be something they do not want to hear. Yes, you are the parent and the one ultimately in charge of running the home, but try to run your home like a democracy, not a dictatorship.<br /> <br /> <br />3. Create a Safe Haven in Your Aura and Your Home.<br />*A place where there is not anger, no yelling, no contention<br />*A place of trust, love and fun.<br />*A place where your children are relieved to be, a peaceful environment.<br /> <br />4. Let Go of Rigid Expectations (Parents don’t want to hear this but once you do it, family life becomes so much easier)<br />*Get rid of the notion of the perfect family. <br />I hate to say lower your expectations, but that is sometimes necessary. Family life is sometimes like a roller coaster with highs and lows. Learn to see the fun in it. Children will make mistakes. Don’t get angry or embarrassed. Be patient with them and be proud of their small steps to improve.<br />*With summer vacation everyone is home. More people means more confusion. Arguments, teasing, fighting will occur. Don’t over react. Many times when arguments arise it is possible to let your children work it out. <br />*An immaculate house is not always possible. You don’t need to live like slobs, but our homes cannot look like a Parade of Homes model unless you have a full time housekeeper.<br /> <br />Basically I am giving parents an excuse to relax; to have fun and enjoy their kids. I am allowing parents to “play hooky” from their regular schedule for 3 months. Then to assess the aura in their home. <br /> <br />Children who come from homes like this are happy. They have less illnesses. They are successful in school, successful in careers, and successful in relationships.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-61432556822457468042010-05-18T15:49:00.000-07:002010-05-18T15:50:37.597-07:00Identify Inner StrengthsIdentify Inner Strengths:<br /><br />An inner strength differs from a talent or skill. A talent or skill is something a child develops such as musical skill, athletic ability, or artistic ability. Inner strengths are something your children are born with or something they inherit from their parents. The inner strengths we are talking about are qualities like honesty, compassion, patience, determination, persistence.<br /><br />When it comes to Inner Strengths, children learn more from our examples than from what we as parents preach. They are constantly monitoring our expressions and moods. Babies come into this world without a sense of self, though that self begins almost immediately to be filled in by parents who become crucial mirrors of their children's worth...your reflections of him are the first he experiences. To the young child, you are magnified until you take on the appearance of a God.<br /><br />Now, that's a lot of pressure for a parent to stop and think about. But it should also give parents a sense of power knowing that you can influence their child for the better. So what actions can parents do to help children with inner strengths?<br /><br />1. Be an Example<br /><br />As parents when we try to help our children discover their "inner strengths" the biggest factor is example, specifically a parent's example. Children learn more from our examples than from what we as parents preach. You can't expect your child to develop the strength of respect for others if he hears you yelling over the phone at the cable company for over charging you. You can't get mad at your child for hitting other children at school if you are spanking them at home. Be the best person you can be and your child will emulate those character traits you exemplify.<br /><br />2. Help your child identify or acknowledge their inner strength.<br /><br />Pay close attention to your children and notice the strengths they have. Talk to your spouse to find out the strengths they have noticed. Then verbalize to your child when you witness one of their inner strengths. They need to hear how unique they are and how wonderful it is that they have that strength. "It is so nice to spend time with you. You are such a calm, patient person." Or "I love your drive. That competitive nature will help you when you are playing soccer."<br /><br />3. Teach your child how to nurture their inner strength.<br /><br />We all know that practice makes perfect, so help your child practice using the strengths they have been given. When you notice your child sharing a toy with a friend, Compliment them on doing so. Say something like, "Didn't that make you feel good inside to share with your friend. Look how happy he is." Or "Did you notice that warm feeling inside? If makes you feel good all over when you do nice things for another person.<br /><br /> "Children Learn What they Live"<br /> -Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.<br /><br /> If a child lives with criticism<br /> He learns to condemn.<br /> If a child lives with hostility,<br /> He learns to fight.<br /> If a child lives with ridicule,<br /> He learns to be shy.<br /> If a child lives with shame,<br /> He learns to feel guilty<br /> If a child lives with tolerance,<br /> He learns to be patient<br /> If a child lives with encouragement,<br /> He learns confidence.<br /> If a child lives with praise,<br /> He learns to appreciate<br /> If a child lives with fairness,<br /> He learns justice<br /> If a child lives with security,<br /> He learns to have faith.<br /> If a child lives with approval,<br /> He learns to like himself.<br /> If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,<br /> He learns to find love in the world.Maggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5188401857848846889.post-33489611074965115942010-02-10T09:13:00.000-08:002010-02-10T09:16:34.541-08:00How to Motivate your childHow To motivate your child?<br /><br />When your children are young they are loaded with motivation. As they grow and receive feedback from parents, teachers and classmates that motivation is altered. Whether it is in spelling, math, music, athletics, the key is to protect that motivation. To stay motivated, your child needs small successes along the way.<br /><br />First, protect your child by setting your own standards of success<br />Second, set achievable goals.<br />Third, make sure your child gets positive feedback<br /><br />To understand, here's an example of how a parent can protect their child by setting achievable goals:<br /> In grade school it is common practice for children to be given a weekly spelling list of about twenty words. Some children in the classroom will be able to spell all twenty words with ease, while others will struggle with five. If you are the child who studies the spelling words all week and then blows the test week after week, year after year...are you going to be motivated? No. At some point you give up and quit trying.<br /> To find a solution, set achievable goals. Work with your child to figure out how many words he can realistically learn in a week. Five? Then do only five. Explain to the teacher that your child is struggling and needs some success to stay motivated. Work out an agreement with your child's teacher so your child is only required to be tested on five words. Once your child tastes that success, he will confidently ask for additional words as his abilities improve.<br /> We did not all learn to walk at the same age or the same speed, but we all eventually mastered it. There is no decree declaring the day, hour or minute that we must know how to read, write or spell. Children learn at their own pace and on their own time. If you push them too hard, they will become discouraged or fail.<br /><br />The goal is to give them just enough to succeed, then introduce more as they are ready.<br />Protect your children so they can progress through life as they are ready.<br />Protect your child's motivation!<br /><br />For more help, read ParentFix<br />www.parentfix.comMaggie Stevenshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03271386074762078311noreply@blogger.com0