Moms Need Friends

One of the greatest things about having children is the grandchildren that eventually bless your life. Many of you who read my blog are young mothers and have never had the time to process this joy that is yet to come. While raising my kids,I never even thought about it. I can promise you one thing...it comes fast! Lets even go for two promises in this first paragraph. On your most difficult days as a mom, I can promise you will be rewarded for the effort you have put into your parenting in the form of grandchildren. Oh, the joy grandkids bring! I cannot even describe it. It is one of those things you have to experience.

My daughter Stacie just gave birth to her first baby. I was lucky enough to be invited to see little Ozzie born. At the moment this little guy made its way into this world, I was overwhelmed. Standing on the sidelines as Grandma, assisting with the birth, gave me an entirely new perspective. When I was giving birth, I was the one on the table watching as doctors and nurses scurried around. I know this is crazy, but I sometimes think it is easier to be the one on the table because you have such trust and faith in the doctors. As a mother watching her daughter bring this soul to us, I was a nervous wreck. I pride myself on staying calm. But I was ready to pounce on any doctor who messed it up! It was such a relief to see all the right parts in all the right places. Now it is over, I must thank the medical professionals for paying attention in class during med school and spending all those years honing their craft. They did an excellent job.

Birth is like death. I believe it brings the best out in people. My daughter and her husband live far away from ‘gammy’. As hard as that is on us, my kids are lucky because their friends are there for them. While I was there, these friends took the time to let me know they would be taking care of my kids and this new grandbaby. It is from these thoughtful gestures that I decided I needed to blog about friendships and how as parents we need the help of friends.

Whatever the crisis, we all get by with a little help from our friends. But we may need to lean a little harder on them when we have kids. True friends are hard to come by. We all have a variety of friends that meet our needs at different times and in different ways. When I talk about a true friend, I mean someone who will tell you the truth. Someone who will be there when you are depleted. Someone who knows what you need before you ask. Someone who treats your kids as their own. Believe it or not, there are people out there like this. The key to finding them is to emulate all of these characteristics in yourself.

Here are just a few suggestions:

A Sympathetic Ear:Listen to your friend without judging. Give her your time
and your understanding. Don’t try to solve her problem. Focus
on what your friend is feeling and validate those feelings.

A Helping Hand: Offer to watch her kids. Fill her refrigerator with
goodies.Help with the house. Mow her lawn. Fold the laundry.
Whatever you can see needs to be done...do it.

Offer Emotional Support: Check in with a phone call, an email or a card. Make
play dates with the kids. Go on walks to the park together.
Shop together. Tend each others kids while you take turns at
the gym.

One of the greatest gifts we can give each other is the opportunity to lend a hand. Chances are good that your friend will return the favor to you or someone else down the road. Don’t try to do it alone. Try to help or allow yourself to be helped through friends.

The "D" Word

What is the correct way to discipline your child? Just mentioning the word discipline brings up controversy. Spank or not spank... rigid or relaxed... force or freedom...tough love or abuse; there are many opinions. All families are different. Parents have their own personalities. Children are unique. No family situation will or can be the exact same. So it is difficult to set hard and fast rules about what kinds of discipline will work in your home. Having said that, I must emphasis that there are certain truths about discipline that must not be ignored.

The word discipline comes from the Latin word disciple, which means to teach or to learn. Discipline was never meant to be used as a form of punishment. If your chosen method of discipline does not teach your child how to improve, it is absolutely wrong! Your role as a parent is to nurture your child. Children need time, care and parental involvement in their lives. They need to be allowed to make mistakes and not be punished for making those mistakes. Things can go very wrong if a child doe not receive positive messages when they do something wrong. Don’t call it a failure, call it an education.

Many professionals claim that a lack of strict discipline is the problem with today’s kids. This is simply not true. In fact, just the opposite is true. If your home environment involves overly strict parents with rigid discipline, your kids will at some point rebel, publicly or privately. When parents use a rigid form of discipline, they are parenting out of fear. Why are they fearful? There are multiple reasons:
*Parents are frightened they are losing control of their child.
*Parents are frightened they are losing power over their child:
*Parents are frightened they are not good parents and do not know how to handle a situation.

When you discipline out of fear you eventually use control to discipline. Control is often referred to as tough love. Tough love is a lazy parenting technique that exhibits itself when a parent is tired or not willing to put in the effort to figure out what they need to do to help a child. From personal experience with my own children, when I got tough, they quit trying. Children do not need toughness. They need love, understanding and help.

Anger usually accompanies tough love or control. When a parent uses anger as a form of discipline they believe they are commanding respect from their child, Anger is often used by parents because it gives an immediate response, stopping a child from a particular behavior. Do not fool yourself as a parent. When you use anger in your discipline, there is always damage to your child. A child who is fearful or acts out with violence is a child who has been raised with an angry parent. As an adult you are in charge of your emotions. Calm yourself when you are disciplining your child.

So if control and rigid rules are not the best way to discipline, what is the best way to discipline your child? Ask yourself how you like to be reprimanded. At work, do you learn when a boss or co-worker yells or sets rigid rules when you make a mistake? No. Don’t you learn more when someone communicates with you in a gentle manner? That is the exact way you will have success with your child.

I learn best from examples, so let me give you a positive example. Say your son is playing baseball too close to the house and a ball breaks the window. You may have already asked him to be careful and he probably knows better. If your response is to scream at your son or take away his baseball or ground him, has he learned anything? When you humiliate your child, you have robbed yourself of the opportunity to teach. Your goal with discipline is to help your children learn from their own experiences in a positive manner. Your child has made a mistake. He knows he has made a mistake. The shattering of the glass makes anyone cringe. Begin by helping your child clean up the glass. This gives you an opportunity to do something physically and also gives you time to calm down. This is a great time to gently
talk to your child about the expenses involved with a broken window. Give your child opportunities to earn small amounts of money to replace the window. When a difficult situation is handled with love and understanding instead of punishment and degrading, a great lesson is learned that will stay with your child for the rest of his life.

It is important as parents to learn about the stages of development and recognize that certain undesired behavior may be normal for a child at a given age and maturity level. Such knowledge can help a parent respond lovingly when a child pushes an anger trigger. Practice expressing concerns calmly and with an attitude of respect, without attacking or blaming your child. If you can change your attitudes about discipline from one of punishing to teaching, you will be amazed at the maturity and growth you will witness in your child. Your child will be confident, happy and successful. Isn’t that what we all want as parents? Give it a try!

Tiger Moms

Have any of you paid attention to the recent article "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior?" That was the headline of a Wall Street Journal essay excerpted from Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, the new book from Amy Chua. Battle Hymn is a memoir on Chua's experiences as a mother describing a very strict and rigid style of parenting. I must admit as I was raising my kids I wondered how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. It seemed as if there wasn’t a dumb one in the bunch They were all either math whizzes or Suzuki prodigies winning every honor at the high school awards ceremony. After reading this article and doing a bit of research, I feel I need to blog about my findings so none of you are led to believe this might be a better way to raise children.
First, I respect that Chinese parents give everything to their children and also many of their values such as a strong work ethic. I believe all good parents, Western and Eastern believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away. What I disapprove of are the methods suggested in this article used to make children successful. Amy Chua never allowed her daughters to:
attend a sleepover
have a play date
be in a school play
complain about not being in a school play
watch TV or play computer games
choose their own extracurricular activities
get any grade less than an A
not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
play any instrument other than the piano or violin
not play the piano or violin.
Western parents might believe they are being strict, they are nowhere close to Chinese mothers. They believe nothing is fun until your good at it. Practicing the piano every day for 30 minutes is what Western parents do. Eastern moms believe 2-3 hours is a must. I could continue with more examples, but this blog would be too long. I have included the link to this article if you would like to read it.

One of the reasons we live in the Western World is for our freedoms. What are we doing as parents if we take those choices away from our children? Sure our kids may not always be number one in their class. They may even fail on occasion. I happen to believe that some of the most important lessons I learned in life came from my failures.

As many of you know from reading ParentFix and this blog, I believe it is important for children to find their passions. They need to learn how to socialize with other kids. I also believe it is important for your child to try a variety of talents, not be dictated too, or forced, even belittled by their parents (calling them “fat” or “lazy”) when they fail. Not every child has the ability to get straight “A’s” . When did getting a “B” become such a bad thing?

I must admit you will find success stories with this kind of parenting. But I believe if we could track the data, there is more negative that comes from too much pressure put upon a child. There is one fact that must not be overlooked. The suicide rates for Asians are much higher, in some areas of the U.S. as much as 50 %.

The reason I chose this topic is because I would ask you to reevaluate your goals as parents. What is more important for your child? A high level of success or happiness?

Creating A Safe Haven

Making Your Home a Place Your Kids want to Be

Parents sometimes do not realize how important it is that their home be a place their kids want to be. Most, if not all of the problems our children face can be solved in the home. The culture we are a part of, that we are bringing our children up in is a culture which hurts them. It does not teach them that they are good, worthy, valuable and important. This culture equates success, beauty and goodness only with external appearances and accomplishments. The effects on our children are showing up at earlier and earlier ages...eating disorders, addictive behaviors, etc

It is in our homes we can make the difference. It is impossible to change society, but it is possible to control how are children are affected by the world. Parents can do this in the home by creating a Safe Haven. Home is the place for nurturing and teaching. It is where parents have the power to prepare their children to feel good about themselves. If they leave home with confidence, they will be able to effectively handle whatever the world throws at them.

Three Components of the Safe Haven

Aura of peace and calm
No yelling
No crticizing
No demeaning
Positive Understanding/Caring Atmosphere

Place where ideas can be shared freely
*Children need to be allowed and encouraged to express their opinions without criticism
*Beliefs need to be discussed openly
*Parent need to be teachable. You can learn a lot from your child

Atmosphere of Love
*Unconditional love is always present
*Love needs to be expressed on a daily basis
*Parent attitude towards child exudes patience and understanding

Sounds wonderful, but impossible. It is possible. How do you do it? How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. You take this one step at a time.

1.Pick one item on the list of Safe Haven components
(If you finish the 3 Safe Haven Components listed above...congratulations! There are many more in the Safe Haven-Chapter 2-in ParentFix)
2.Work on it for an hour, a day, a week.
3.When you have that under control, pick another item on the list.
4.If you blow it, go back to the first item and start over.

Remember the parent is responsible for the atmosphere in the home.

You will be amazed at the changes that can occur within your home, just by taking the first step. The happiness in your children will keep you motivated to create a Safe Haven.

In this world of technology, are we failing to teach our children necessary life skills?

I recently read an article published in the AP by Beth Harpaz entitled "Are we raising a bunch of idiots? Many parents believe that this generation of kids are a generation of idiots or nincompoops. I strongly disagree and here is why:

This is a unique world our children are growing up in. Very different from the experiences most of us as parents grew up with. It is important to remember the skills they are learning will benefit them in ways they need to survive. Technology is here to stay and I believe as a parent you need to embrace it and praise your kids for how quickly they have mastered computer skills, texting, graphic arts, etc. (With all the computer games our kids play, eye/hand coordination must be at an all time high!)

Think about it... generations before us had none of the modern conveniences we grew up with. Pioneers had to make everything by hand to survive. They had to farm to eat, sew their own clothing, build a fire to get warm, haul water to wash dishes or bathe. What would our ancestors think of us? Our generation would also be considered lazy and ignorant. After all, how many of us know how to milk a cow? We all have to adapt our skills to meet the needs of the world we live.

Having said that, there are skills kids need that may be pass them by. It is important to remember that as a parent, you are ultimately responsible for the education of your child, whether it be in school, life skills or social skills. When it comes to our schools, our school systems are not perfect. But, if you get involved and stay positive your child will excel.

Specific Skills Your Kids May Need Help With:

With the use of GPS systems your kids may need to learn Driving or Directions

Solve it: While your child is getting driving hours, take the time to get out a physical map of the city and or state. Go over it with your child, showing them points of interest: The capital building, ski resorts, E-Center, major cities, etc.

Because of Twitter/Texting your kids may need to learn how to talk to adults.

Solve it: Talk with them about current events that interest them. Invite interesting people to dinner and have conversation.

Because of Video Games your kids may need real life experience

Solve it: Plan fun activities that your child would enjoy away from the computer, preferably outside...skiing, bowling or swimming.

Because of doing so much homework on the computer your child may not know how to write

Solve it: Buy some cute cards and hand write thank you notes together.

Because of all the modern electronic conveniences, your kids may not survive if the power goes out.

Solve it: Take a day or a weekend and try roughing it. No TV, no cell phones, no microwave, no dishwasher. Make it fun and a teaching moment about how other generations lived.

So,when you kids don't know how to do something, teach them. None of us know it all. Have fun and teach your child the skills you feel are important. Learning can and should be exciting

Understanding tweens to teens

How do you approach the change of tween to teen

Not only is this a very puzzling time for you as a parent, it is a very confusing time for your child. Emotional outbursts, meltdowns, and stupid decisions will leave parents dumbfounded as what to do.
(How many teens does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. Your teen holds the light bulb in the socket and the whole world revolves around her.)

Question from a recent workshop:
“I find myself getting angry with my kids much too often. I can't seem to help myself – they really know how to push my buttons. When they purposely disobey me, or are outright disrespectful, I fly off the handle. How can I control my own anger when it's the kids' misbehavior that makes me so mad?”

Educate yourself about the development your tween is experiencing
It is easier to be patient and understanding with your tween if you know that most of their behaviors are the result of a physical change.
According to Dr. Jay Giedd (who has devoted the last 13 years using MRI’s to peer inside the heads of teens) the brain develops in stages. The final part of the brain to develop is the part capable of making organized decisions. For example, Do I finish my homework, or clean my room or go see a movie with my friends? Most teens will choose the movie. Which drives a parent crazy thinking their child is irresponsible. (Sometimes as an adult I think it would be good for all of us if occasionally we could all drop our responsibilities and be spontaneous like a tween.) Be patient with your tweens as they learn to be responsible There are some things you should do when when you try to reason with a teen. they will comprehend when you give immediate results. For example, “If you choose to drink alcohol on the weekends, you will probably get kicked off the football team.” Rather than “Your health will suffer” or “You will end up an alcoholic, living on the streets.”

Remember that your teenagers behavior is not just his pigheadedness to drive you crazy. In reality, they need you to teach them and be patient with them. Think about it. Is it your children's misbehavior that makes you angry? Or is it your view of their behavior that creates angry feelings? There's a big difference. The first question suggests that you have no control over your emotions or actions. The second implies that by changing your view you can change your reaction.

Top Four Tween Behaviors that Drive You Crazy and Solutions
Behavior: Emotional Outbursts (Flipping out at a simple request from mom, Blaming parents for making them late, or saying mean things to mom or dad)

Time out is for big people. too. Put some space between you and the child who's pushing your buttons. When you feel your anger rising, put yourself there! A few minutes away from the source of your angry feelings can help you calm down enough to address the situation rationally. Nothing can be solved in a fit of anger. You'll be better off if you take the time to calm down and then approach your child from a position of strength
Behavior: Sleeping In All The Time
What's normal? Learn more about child development by reading a book or taking a class. If you learn that your child's current behavior is age-appropriate and normal, you'll be less likely to overreact to the behavior. It's amazing how alike children are, and just knowing that your kid is responding in a typical way can help you handle the issue with a level head. There are many books, the internet and psychologists you can consult. (Parents go crazy when their kids sleep in late or all day long. In an adult, the melatonin in your body increases in the evening creating your body to start shutting down. In the brain of a teen the melatonin is programmed for a later hour than an adult. That is why they stay up late and then struggle to get up in the morning.)
Behavior: Stupid Decisions (Tween driving without a license)

3. Act – don't react. Take the time to think about the things that make you angry. Put together a list of family rules. Enumerate the consequences for breaking the rules. Communicate clear expectations to your children. Decide in advance and with your child what methods of discipline you will use. If you have a plan up front, you'll be less likely to lose control when your children misbehave. For example if you find out your son has been driving the family car and he is not yet 16. In this situation, ask your self why your son is stealing the car? He obviously is excited about driving. So take him out driving. This will give you the opportunity to teach him how to drive correctly. Drive with him often. So often he begs to stop. The stupid decision he has made will stop.
Behavior: MeltDown (Crying, Stressing Out, Not able to deal with a situation)
4. Hug 'em. When you find yourself ready to put your hands around your kid and shake him, DO put your hands around him – and love him. Embrace him in a hug. If possible, do this in front of a mirror or reflective window. A few minutes of quiet, while you embrace your child, will often temper your angry feelings with the strong feeling of love between you.

"Mom, Can I ...?"

"At what age should I let my child...." is a difficult question for every parent. Especially when you have kids that push to move ahead faster than you, as a parent are ready to let them. Kids are all unique and will want different things at different ages. Here are a few ideas to help:

1. Plan Ahead. Teach your child to live in the present.
"To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" This biblical quote(you don't have to be religious to use it) is something I used many times with my children. It is important to remind children that they will never be the age they are right now,ever again. So enjoy it. Live in the present because you can always go forward, but never back. I used it for topics such as dating, driving, sex, shaving legs, wearing makeup. Talk about it with your kids, preferably before they reach the age they think they are smarter than you.

2. Set Rules Together
This means you must communicate. When your child comes to you with a request, sit down and talk about it. Ask questions and figure out why your daughter wants to wear makeup in kindergarten. You don't want to make your child odd, but you also don't want your child to be the trend setter other parents hate.
Be reasonable. If you try to be understanding and reasonable your child will also try to abide by the goals you have both set. This is your opportunity to explain your beliefs and your fears. For example, explain why you want them to wait to single date until they are 16 years old. Girls will probably not understand that they are not secure in their ability to say "no" to a good looking young man before then. Boys are just not ready to take on the responsibility of a girl friend before 16, maybe even 21! Hanging out in large groups is fine and probably a lot more fun. If you can calmly discuss the reasons with your kids, they will surprise you with how mature they can be.

3. Do it Right
Teach them how to appropriately handle the behavior they are requesting. Don't expect because they know enough to ask permission they know what they are doing.
*When your daughter starts wearing makeup, teach her how. (Too much make up is not flattering or makes her look like a "ho".)
*Texting. Teach them when is it not appropriate to text? While driving or during class.
* Drivers License. (Take the time to drive with them. )

4. Give them an out.
Sometimes children think they are mature enough to handle a particular behavior and realize they are not ready. Parents are the perfect scapegoat. Let them out with some dignity. You do not need to say "I told you so."
*Sleep over. if they want to come home early, give them a cell phone to use
*Party that goes wild. Before they go, tell them if at any point they want to come home you will pick them up and not question why.

5. Pay Attention. It is through your child's behavior that you learn of your child's needs.
If you refuse to ignore the above steps and react out of anger with a statement such as, "Absolutely Not! " and/or "Because I said so" you are setting yourself up for failure. Anger will not change the behavior, it will only put a temporary end to the request. The behavior will eventually resurface in another form at a later date. Why? Because the behavior of your child is an exhibition of a need that requires fulfillment.
When a baby is hungry, she cries
When a toddler spies a toy he wants, he takes it.
When a teenage girl dresses risque, she is looking for the attention of teenage boys and she has found a way to get it.
Don't get angry at your child, help them. Tell them how much you love them and then teach them.

6. Safety First to ease your mind while children are spreading their wings.
Know your child's friends.
Know their friend's parents
Make sure your child has a way to contact you at all times and you them.

Remember, your goal is to teach correct principles so they can eventually govern themselves!