Summer is an excellent time for parents to try something new with their kids. As I present parenting workshops there is one common thread in each workshop. I am seeing families under so much pressure, I think things are going to explode With all the continual pressures that currently exist in our families, it is important to figure out the best places to put our parenting energies. This requires parents to make a few changes. I challenge parents to try the following four ideas throughout the next three months of summer. As parents, I believe you will see changes in the dynamics of your family.
1. Plan Fun, Positive Activities on a Daily Basis
*Spend time together often as families, doing something you all enjoy
*It does not have to be an expensive vacation
*Get outdoors to make you feel more vibrant about life
Picnic
Watch a baseball game
Walk the dog together
Frisbee at the park
All of this leads into number 2 suggestion
2. Strengthen Your Relationship
A strong bond with your child is important. Why?
When your child is confronted with critical decisions, it is the strength of your relationship that will make the difference in your child's ability to resolve them.
Don't assume just because this is a parent/child relationship that all is well or that love/respect occur naturally. Take stock in your relationship.
Ask yourself:
Do we enjoy spending time together?
Do we have plenty of things to talk about?
Are we able to relax together?
Do we share any common interests?
Try this exercise: As you assess the situation, make note of every interaction and conversation. Jot things down. Write down what you say and your child's response.
As you analyze your data, notice the patterns that begin to emerge.
This eye-opening exercise should give you an understanding of your relationship and explain why your children are responding to your requests. If the conversations you are initiating consist mostly of negativity or nagging, the responses you get from your child will also be negative.
Think about the people you as an adult choose to be around.
Why do you think you choose the people you do?
The people I like to be around have something in common with me. Either we like to do the same activities or have vivid conversations or we laugh together. It is not someone who takes the role of a superior or a boss that is telling me what to do.
Too often we as parents end up alienating our children because we become "the order giver". Your children will not want to interact with you if they know that every conversation they have with you will be something they do not want to hear. Yes, you are the parent and the one ultimately in charge of running the home, but try to run your home like a democracy, not a dictatorship.
3. Create a Safe Haven in Your Aura and Your Home.
*A place where there is not anger, no yelling, no contention
*A place of trust, love and fun.
*A place where your children are relieved to be, a peaceful environment.
4. Let Go of Rigid Expectations (Parents don’t want to hear this but once you do it, family life becomes so much easier)
*Get rid of the notion of the perfect family.
I hate to say lower your expectations, but that is sometimes necessary. Family life is sometimes like a roller coaster with highs and lows. Learn to see the fun in it. Children will make mistakes. Don’t get angry or embarrassed. Be patient with them and be proud of their small steps to improve.
*With summer vacation everyone is home. More people means more confusion. Arguments, teasing, fighting will occur. Don’t over react. Many times when arguments arise it is possible to let your children work it out.
*An immaculate house is not always possible. You don’t need to live like slobs, but our homes cannot look like a Parade of Homes model unless you have a full time housekeeper.
Basically I am giving parents an excuse to relax; to have fun and enjoy their kids. I am allowing parents to “play hooky” from their regular schedule for 3 months. Then to assess the aura in their home.
Children who come from homes like this are happy. They have less illnesses. They are successful in school, successful in careers, and successful in relationships.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Identify Inner Strengths
Identify Inner Strengths:
An inner strength differs from a talent or skill. A talent or skill is something a child develops such as musical skill, athletic ability, or artistic ability. Inner strengths are something your children are born with or something they inherit from their parents. The inner strengths we are talking about are qualities like honesty, compassion, patience, determination, persistence.
When it comes to Inner Strengths, children learn more from our examples than from what we as parents preach. They are constantly monitoring our expressions and moods. Babies come into this world without a sense of self, though that self begins almost immediately to be filled in by parents who become crucial mirrors of their children's worth...your reflections of him are the first he experiences. To the young child, you are magnified until you take on the appearance of a God.
Now, that's a lot of pressure for a parent to stop and think about. But it should also give parents a sense of power knowing that you can influence their child for the better. So what actions can parents do to help children with inner strengths?
1. Be an Example
As parents when we try to help our children discover their "inner strengths" the biggest factor is example, specifically a parent's example. Children learn more from our examples than from what we as parents preach. You can't expect your child to develop the strength of respect for others if he hears you yelling over the phone at the cable company for over charging you. You can't get mad at your child for hitting other children at school if you are spanking them at home. Be the best person you can be and your child will emulate those character traits you exemplify.
2. Help your child identify or acknowledge their inner strength.
Pay close attention to your children and notice the strengths they have. Talk to your spouse to find out the strengths they have noticed. Then verbalize to your child when you witness one of their inner strengths. They need to hear how unique they are and how wonderful it is that they have that strength. "It is so nice to spend time with you. You are such a calm, patient person." Or "I love your drive. That competitive nature will help you when you are playing soccer."
3. Teach your child how to nurture their inner strength.
We all know that practice makes perfect, so help your child practice using the strengths they have been given. When you notice your child sharing a toy with a friend, Compliment them on doing so. Say something like, "Didn't that make you feel good inside to share with your friend. Look how happy he is." Or "Did you notice that warm feeling inside? If makes you feel good all over when you do nice things for another person.
"Children Learn What they Live"
-Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If a child lives with criticism
He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
He learns to feel guilty
If a child lives with tolerance,
He learns to be patient
If a child lives with encouragement,
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
He learns to appreciate
If a child lives with fairness,
He learns justice
If a child lives with security,
He learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
He learns to find love in the world.
An inner strength differs from a talent or skill. A talent or skill is something a child develops such as musical skill, athletic ability, or artistic ability. Inner strengths are something your children are born with or something they inherit from their parents. The inner strengths we are talking about are qualities like honesty, compassion, patience, determination, persistence.
When it comes to Inner Strengths, children learn more from our examples than from what we as parents preach. They are constantly monitoring our expressions and moods. Babies come into this world without a sense of self, though that self begins almost immediately to be filled in by parents who become crucial mirrors of their children's worth...your reflections of him are the first he experiences. To the young child, you are magnified until you take on the appearance of a God.
Now, that's a lot of pressure for a parent to stop and think about. But it should also give parents a sense of power knowing that you can influence their child for the better. So what actions can parents do to help children with inner strengths?
1. Be an Example
As parents when we try to help our children discover their "inner strengths" the biggest factor is example, specifically a parent's example. Children learn more from our examples than from what we as parents preach. You can't expect your child to develop the strength of respect for others if he hears you yelling over the phone at the cable company for over charging you. You can't get mad at your child for hitting other children at school if you are spanking them at home. Be the best person you can be and your child will emulate those character traits you exemplify.
2. Help your child identify or acknowledge their inner strength.
Pay close attention to your children and notice the strengths they have. Talk to your spouse to find out the strengths they have noticed. Then verbalize to your child when you witness one of their inner strengths. They need to hear how unique they are and how wonderful it is that they have that strength. "It is so nice to spend time with you. You are such a calm, patient person." Or "I love your drive. That competitive nature will help you when you are playing soccer."
3. Teach your child how to nurture their inner strength.
We all know that practice makes perfect, so help your child practice using the strengths they have been given. When you notice your child sharing a toy with a friend, Compliment them on doing so. Say something like, "Didn't that make you feel good inside to share with your friend. Look how happy he is." Or "Did you notice that warm feeling inside? If makes you feel good all over when you do nice things for another person.
"Children Learn What they Live"
-Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If a child lives with criticism
He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
He learns to feel guilty
If a child lives with tolerance,
He learns to be patient
If a child lives with encouragement,
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
He learns to appreciate
If a child lives with fairness,
He learns justice
If a child lives with security,
He learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
He learns to find love in the world.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
How to Motivate your child
How To motivate your child?
When your children are young they are loaded with motivation. As they grow and receive feedback from parents, teachers and classmates that motivation is altered. Whether it is in spelling, math, music, athletics, the key is to protect that motivation. To stay motivated, your child needs small successes along the way.
First, protect your child by setting your own standards of success
Second, set achievable goals.
Third, make sure your child gets positive feedback
To understand, here's an example of how a parent can protect their child by setting achievable goals:
In grade school it is common practice for children to be given a weekly spelling list of about twenty words. Some children in the classroom will be able to spell all twenty words with ease, while others will struggle with five. If you are the child who studies the spelling words all week and then blows the test week after week, year after year...are you going to be motivated? No. At some point you give up and quit trying.
To find a solution, set achievable goals. Work with your child to figure out how many words he can realistically learn in a week. Five? Then do only five. Explain to the teacher that your child is struggling and needs some success to stay motivated. Work out an agreement with your child's teacher so your child is only required to be tested on five words. Once your child tastes that success, he will confidently ask for additional words as his abilities improve.
We did not all learn to walk at the same age or the same speed, but we all eventually mastered it. There is no decree declaring the day, hour or minute that we must know how to read, write or spell. Children learn at their own pace and on their own time. If you push them too hard, they will become discouraged or fail.
The goal is to give them just enough to succeed, then introduce more as they are ready.
Protect your children so they can progress through life as they are ready.
Protect your child's motivation!
For more help, read ParentFix
www.parentfix.com
When your children are young they are loaded with motivation. As they grow and receive feedback from parents, teachers and classmates that motivation is altered. Whether it is in spelling, math, music, athletics, the key is to protect that motivation. To stay motivated, your child needs small successes along the way.
First, protect your child by setting your own standards of success
Second, set achievable goals.
Third, make sure your child gets positive feedback
To understand, here's an example of how a parent can protect their child by setting achievable goals:
In grade school it is common practice for children to be given a weekly spelling list of about twenty words. Some children in the classroom will be able to spell all twenty words with ease, while others will struggle with five. If you are the child who studies the spelling words all week and then blows the test week after week, year after year...are you going to be motivated? No. At some point you give up and quit trying.
To find a solution, set achievable goals. Work with your child to figure out how many words he can realistically learn in a week. Five? Then do only five. Explain to the teacher that your child is struggling and needs some success to stay motivated. Work out an agreement with your child's teacher so your child is only required to be tested on five words. Once your child tastes that success, he will confidently ask for additional words as his abilities improve.
We did not all learn to walk at the same age or the same speed, but we all eventually mastered it. There is no decree declaring the day, hour or minute that we must know how to read, write or spell. Children learn at their own pace and on their own time. If you push them too hard, they will become discouraged or fail.
The goal is to give them just enough to succeed, then introduce more as they are ready.
Protect your children so they can progress through life as they are ready.
Protect your child's motivation!
For more help, read ParentFix
www.parentfix.com
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Important Things For Parents To Remember When Dealing With Kids and Technology
1. Technology is important in today's world. It is an incredible learning tool for our children.
2. You cannot protect your child 24/7 from technology.
3. Build your children from within so they can withstand.
Do's
1. Keep all forms of technology (Internet, Television) in the center of the traffic in your home. Not in bedrooms, dens, theatre rooms,etc.
2. Join your child in using technology. Connect on Facebook or Twitter. Show interest in the websites they visit. Introduce them to websites you have found. Learn how to text.
3. Discuss the negatives involved with technology on a continual basis.
4. Make sure your child is involved in additional activities away from technology.
5. Have fun with your child. Interact in face to face conversations away from a screen.
6. Be involved with your child.
Don'ts
1. Do not be frightened of technology.
2. Do not set strict limits or become the ENFORCER.
3. Do not leave your children at home alone for long periods of time with nothing to do.
Let me explain the above suggestions. You cannot set strict rules about using the internet, texting or other social media. Why? How do you do it? The problem with making this a hard fast rule is that if you enforce hours of use, you will become the ENFORCER in your child's life. When you set rules that required enforcement (another term for nagging) you set yourself up for failure and destroy the relationship you are trying to build with your kids. Thats not a role any parent should want to fill.
Technology is here to stay. In fact 3 of my 4 boys (adults now) have jobs that require the skills they learned from video games, computers, television and texting. What they were doing with their free time was actually quite valuable. These technology skills they were not learning at school. I couldn’t teach them. They taught themselves some skills they needed to be proficient at in today’s world.
In addition to all the social internet, computer, and television time, we went skiing every Saturday, played football as a family, roller bladed, ice skated, camped, hiked, went to the beach. The kids were signed up for sports programs, music lessons, dance, karate, and many other things they showed interest in. If you want your kids to put down their cell phones and shut off the computers or get off facebook....play with them. Go have fun with them. In other words, give them a reason to take a break from technology. Ideas for parents would include: Install a basketball hoop and go out and shoot baskets with your kids. Trampolines are sometimes considered a no/no, but we had hours of fun jumping with the kids and sleeping outside overnight. Use facebook together as a family. It is fun to send messages and keep in touch on their wall.
Setting rules and hours for tech use and demanding they follow them is a very lazy way of parenting. (My opinion) I recently spoke with a couple of men, husbands and fathers, who still get in trouble with their wives for playing video games on a regular basis. You know what I found out? Those boys had strict rules placed on them as teenagers and were limited to the time they could spend playing video games. It didn't stop them. They would sneak around to friend's houses just to play. It looks like they are still trying to do the same thing as adults.
One caution. Porn is a problem for our youth. Computers should be out in the open. The ills of technology should be discussed as a regular topic between parent and child. With the parent explaining why porn or gambling can and will do damage. After raising 4 boys I know that I cannot be so naive to believe I can protect them from seeing porn. But if you prepare them for it and make sure they understand the sadness it will bring into their lives, they will shut it off themselves.
1. Technology is important in today's world. It is an incredible learning tool for our children.
2. You cannot protect your child 24/7 from technology.
3. Build your children from within so they can withstand.
Do's
1. Keep all forms of technology (Internet, Television) in the center of the traffic in your home. Not in bedrooms, dens, theatre rooms,etc.
2. Join your child in using technology. Connect on Facebook or Twitter. Show interest in the websites they visit. Introduce them to websites you have found. Learn how to text.
3. Discuss the negatives involved with technology on a continual basis.
4. Make sure your child is involved in additional activities away from technology.
5. Have fun with your child. Interact in face to face conversations away from a screen.
6. Be involved with your child.
Don'ts
1. Do not be frightened of technology.
2. Do not set strict limits or become the ENFORCER.
3. Do not leave your children at home alone for long periods of time with nothing to do.
Let me explain the above suggestions. You cannot set strict rules about using the internet, texting or other social media. Why? How do you do it? The problem with making this a hard fast rule is that if you enforce hours of use, you will become the ENFORCER in your child's life. When you set rules that required enforcement (another term for nagging) you set yourself up for failure and destroy the relationship you are trying to build with your kids. Thats not a role any parent should want to fill.
Technology is here to stay. In fact 3 of my 4 boys (adults now) have jobs that require the skills they learned from video games, computers, television and texting. What they were doing with their free time was actually quite valuable. These technology skills they were not learning at school. I couldn’t teach them. They taught themselves some skills they needed to be proficient at in today’s world.
In addition to all the social internet, computer, and television time, we went skiing every Saturday, played football as a family, roller bladed, ice skated, camped, hiked, went to the beach. The kids were signed up for sports programs, music lessons, dance, karate, and many other things they showed interest in. If you want your kids to put down their cell phones and shut off the computers or get off facebook....play with them. Go have fun with them. In other words, give them a reason to take a break from technology. Ideas for parents would include: Install a basketball hoop and go out and shoot baskets with your kids. Trampolines are sometimes considered a no/no, but we had hours of fun jumping with the kids and sleeping outside overnight. Use facebook together as a family. It is fun to send messages and keep in touch on their wall.
Setting rules and hours for tech use and demanding they follow them is a very lazy way of parenting. (My opinion) I recently spoke with a couple of men, husbands and fathers, who still get in trouble with their wives for playing video games on a regular basis. You know what I found out? Those boys had strict rules placed on them as teenagers and were limited to the time they could spend playing video games. It didn't stop them. They would sneak around to friend's houses just to play. It looks like they are still trying to do the same thing as adults.
One caution. Porn is a problem for our youth. Computers should be out in the open. The ills of technology should be discussed as a regular topic between parent and child. With the parent explaining why porn or gambling can and will do damage. After raising 4 boys I know that I cannot be so naive to believe I can protect them from seeing porn. But if you prepare them for it and make sure they understand the sadness it will bring into their lives, they will shut it off themselves.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Teaching Children
There is a never ending list of things we should be teaching our children. As parents we begin with the best intentions, but failure can seem amazingly imminent when our children react negatively to our methods. The problem is not in our desire. The problem lies in our technique. I love the following story:
A mother scolded her child after he stepped past the corner. She had repeatedly told him not to go beyond the street corner. With a tear streaked face the child looked up and asked, "Mommy what is a corner?"
So often our children have no idea what we are saying or what our reasoning is. It is so important to make sure we talk to our children and help them understand what we are teaching and why. This usually takes a bit longer and requires patience. It is beneficial to us as parents to explain our reasoning to our children. Through it, we realize the importance of what we are teaching. Saying, "Because I said so..." is not an explanation and should make us question the validity of what we are teaching. Remember, example is always the best teacher!
Read more about teaching your child reading the book ParentFix.
www.parentfix.com
A mother scolded her child after he stepped past the corner. She had repeatedly told him not to go beyond the street corner. With a tear streaked face the child looked up and asked, "Mommy what is a corner?"
So often our children have no idea what we are saying or what our reasoning is. It is so important to make sure we talk to our children and help them understand what we are teaching and why. This usually takes a bit longer and requires patience. It is beneficial to us as parents to explain our reasoning to our children. Through it, we realize the importance of what we are teaching. Saying, "Because I said so..." is not an explanation and should make us question the validity of what we are teaching. Remember, example is always the best teacher!
Read more about teaching your child reading the book ParentFix.
www.parentfix.com
Thursday, January 28, 2010
How to Enjoy a Teenager
The questions I get asked the most often are about teenagers. All parents have been teenagers, but how quickly we forget what it was like. I decided to blog today with basic advice to the parents of teenagers. Here goes:
How to Enjoy a Teenager
1. Change Your Expectations--We often look at teenagers in their adult bodies and expect them to act like adults. We must remember they are still children. One minute they will show the maturity of an adult. The next minute they may flip back into child mode, acting irresponsibly.
2. Show Understanding and Patience--The teenage years are not only puzzling times for you, they are very confusing for your child. Puberty is unpredictable. The strange behavior you are observing has to do with their changing physical bodies and hormones. Their bodies are growing faster now than at any other time of their lives. They often become confused and forgetful.
3. Sleep is Important. Teenagers internal clocks are different. Let them sleep when they need to sleep. They have to get up for school, let them sleep in on weekends or after school.
4. Peers Are Important. Get to know your child’s friends. You are still the most important person in your child’s life, but growing up is much easier if your child has friends to commiserate with. Make sure your child’s friends are welcome in your home. You may not always like your child’s friends, but don’t criticize them to your child. When you belittle your child’s friends, your child will feel you are attacking them personally. For example: If one of your daughter’s friends smokes, tell your daughter you disapprove of the smoking. Do not say, “I don’t like your friend.”
5. Educate Yourself and Be Teachable. Every single child is unique and so the teenage years will be different for each child. No parent knows it all! Read books, take classes, meditate and pray. You will learn more from this teenager than he does from you.
6. Have Fun. Spend time together. Your child will do this with you if you are not nagging, criticizing or coming up with a list of things for them to do. If you are struggling with an activity you both can enjoy, try food. There is not a teenage boy I know who will turn down an offer for food. For girls try food or shopping.
7. Listen. There is a reason God gave us two ears and one mouth. Instead of always trying to give advice to your teen, try listening to them. You will learn a lot about your teen if you can keep your mouth closed.
If you allow it, the teenage years can be the most rewarding years you spend with your child.
How to Enjoy a Teenager
1. Change Your Expectations--We often look at teenagers in their adult bodies and expect them to act like adults. We must remember they are still children. One minute they will show the maturity of an adult. The next minute they may flip back into child mode, acting irresponsibly.
2. Show Understanding and Patience--The teenage years are not only puzzling times for you, they are very confusing for your child. Puberty is unpredictable. The strange behavior you are observing has to do with their changing physical bodies and hormones. Their bodies are growing faster now than at any other time of their lives. They often become confused and forgetful.
3. Sleep is Important. Teenagers internal clocks are different. Let them sleep when they need to sleep. They have to get up for school, let them sleep in on weekends or after school.
4. Peers Are Important. Get to know your child’s friends. You are still the most important person in your child’s life, but growing up is much easier if your child has friends to commiserate with. Make sure your child’s friends are welcome in your home. You may not always like your child’s friends, but don’t criticize them to your child. When you belittle your child’s friends, your child will feel you are attacking them personally. For example: If one of your daughter’s friends smokes, tell your daughter you disapprove of the smoking. Do not say, “I don’t like your friend.”
5. Educate Yourself and Be Teachable. Every single child is unique and so the teenage years will be different for each child. No parent knows it all! Read books, take classes, meditate and pray. You will learn more from this teenager than he does from you.
6. Have Fun. Spend time together. Your child will do this with you if you are not nagging, criticizing or coming up with a list of things for them to do. If you are struggling with an activity you both can enjoy, try food. There is not a teenage boy I know who will turn down an offer for food. For girls try food or shopping.
7. Listen. There is a reason God gave us two ears and one mouth. Instead of always trying to give advice to your teen, try listening to them. You will learn a lot about your teen if you can keep your mouth closed.
If you allow it, the teenage years can be the most rewarding years you spend with your child.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Managing a Meltdown
So I know I said I was going to blog everyday, but since when have I followed through on anything? Well, I guess I follow through on some things. Lets just say I change gears alot. But I will at least try to get a little more regular, so here is something for the Holidays:
Managing a Meltdown
With all the excitement and stress of the holidays, it is prime time for children (and occasionally their parents) to have emotional meltdowns. What is the best way to handle it?
First, remember anger does no good for you or your child. Anger will only cause a bigger meltdown! To get a child calm, they must believe you are their ally....ready to help them meet their needs.
For young children: When a meltdown occurs, get down on the same level with your child so you can see eye to eye. Speak in a soft voice. Your demeanor will calm the child. In calm, reassuring words, ask them why they are upset. Then ask what you can do to help. When your child feels he is being understood, he will calm down. Let me give you an example.
Two children in a busy shopping mall are tired, crying and attracting attention. One mother, is embarrassed and demands the child stop crying immediately. The child knows that his feelings are not being heard and he continues to cry louder. The second mom sees that her child is genuinely upset. She focuses on the child, not on what others are thinking of her. She gently touches the child and asks, "What's wrong?" Then reassures "It's all right, I'm here. The mother's actions calm the child immediately.
Why does this work?
The mother is meeting the needs of her child. There is no threat to the child because he knows his mother's intention is to heal. The first mom is meeting her own needs. The second mom is meeting the needs of her child. When a child has this type of positive reaction from his parents over and over, the meltdowns happen less frequently. As a parent you are not only meeting your child's needs, but teaching them how to eventually calm themselves (by example)as they grow older.
For teenagers you handle the situation differently, but with the same goal in mind. Let's use the example of a teen battling with you over not wanting to attend an extended family Christmas party; instead, wanting to 'hang-out' with friends. Again first, remain stay calm. Let the child tell you why she does not want to go. Listen listen, listen and be understanding of her reasons. Ask and listen again to the details of what she and her friends plan to do. Then tell her every detail of the family party: who will be there, what will be going on, what food will be served, how long it will last. Express your love to her and how she will be missed if she chooses not to go. If you have shown a true understanding for your child's wants and needs, she will be more willing to negotiate with you. Maybe an hour at the family party and dad will drive her to meet up with her friends later. Teens are much more willing to agreeably join the family if they are not being forced.
The solution to meltdowns is to meet the needs of the child. This does not mean you are spoiling your child. Think how you feel when another adult listens and understands you. It gives you the confidence to move forward and accomplish the task at hand. Remember, when you meet the needs of your child, you are also strengthening the relationship.
The name of the book is
ParentFix by Maggie Stevens
www.parentfix.com
Sold at The King's English, Frost Book and online at Amazon
Managing a Meltdown
With all the excitement and stress of the holidays, it is prime time for children (and occasionally their parents) to have emotional meltdowns. What is the best way to handle it?
First, remember anger does no good for you or your child. Anger will only cause a bigger meltdown! To get a child calm, they must believe you are their ally....ready to help them meet their needs.
For young children: When a meltdown occurs, get down on the same level with your child so you can see eye to eye. Speak in a soft voice. Your demeanor will calm the child. In calm, reassuring words, ask them why they are upset. Then ask what you can do to help. When your child feels he is being understood, he will calm down. Let me give you an example.
Two children in a busy shopping mall are tired, crying and attracting attention. One mother, is embarrassed and demands the child stop crying immediately. The child knows that his feelings are not being heard and he continues to cry louder. The second mom sees that her child is genuinely upset. She focuses on the child, not on what others are thinking of her. She gently touches the child and asks, "What's wrong?" Then reassures "It's all right, I'm here. The mother's actions calm the child immediately.
Why does this work?
The mother is meeting the needs of her child. There is no threat to the child because he knows his mother's intention is to heal. The first mom is meeting her own needs. The second mom is meeting the needs of her child. When a child has this type of positive reaction from his parents over and over, the meltdowns happen less frequently. As a parent you are not only meeting your child's needs, but teaching them how to eventually calm themselves (by example)as they grow older.
For teenagers you handle the situation differently, but with the same goal in mind. Let's use the example of a teen battling with you over not wanting to attend an extended family Christmas party; instead, wanting to 'hang-out' with friends. Again first, remain stay calm. Let the child tell you why she does not want to go. Listen listen, listen and be understanding of her reasons. Ask and listen again to the details of what she and her friends plan to do. Then tell her every detail of the family party: who will be there, what will be going on, what food will be served, how long it will last. Express your love to her and how she will be missed if she chooses not to go. If you have shown a true understanding for your child's wants and needs, she will be more willing to negotiate with you. Maybe an hour at the family party and dad will drive her to meet up with her friends later. Teens are much more willing to agreeably join the family if they are not being forced.
The solution to meltdowns is to meet the needs of the child. This does not mean you are spoiling your child. Think how you feel when another adult listens and understands you. It gives you the confidence to move forward and accomplish the task at hand. Remember, when you meet the needs of your child, you are also strengthening the relationship.
The name of the book is
ParentFix by Maggie Stevens
www.parentfix.com
Sold at The King's English, Frost Book and online at Amazon
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