Have you ever wondered how your family life compares to others? Most of us at some point in our parenting wonder if what goes on in our home would be considered normal? We should be proud of the fact that each family is unique and have their own personality but sometimes it is nice to get a glimpse into the lives of other families...if for no other reason than to better take care of your own.
Researchers from UCLA did a study on thirty two California families that can help you decide how your family is doing. In the first experiment of its kind, thirty-two California families allowed a three person research team into their homes for four days (morning ‘til night). They conducted this research through interviews with each member of the family. Spending time in each home they witnessed sibling arguments, dinner conversations, homework panics, after school shuttling, temper tantrums, etc. The team measured the stress levels of each family member throughout the day. Through those stressful moments researchers discovered great ways to lower the stress in all of our homes. (The tips also came as the researchers witnessed key instances of warmth and love between family members) Some of the secrets of low stress families will surprise you. Use what they learned to calm the stress and create more joy in your home.
1. Low-stress couples don’t divvy up the chores. One part of the research included the division of household chores between couples and how that related to marital satisfaction. Regardless of who did more, spouses were happier when they were working towards the same goals. Splitting and assigning chores created more of a division...a more his job/my job attitude. With a shared goals attitude there was more of a ‘we-ness’...we do for our family, not, I do this for you. Children pay attention to these interactions. Kids notice how their parents come to solutions in their marriage and will eventually mirror what they have witnessed. If both partners have an understanding of what needs to be done (husband vacuuming while the wife helps with homework) you can get rid of the “keeping score”conflict. One important notation: Researchers noticed that when wives expressed appreciation, husbands did more around the house.
2. Low-stress moms make dinner from scratch. As a heat and serve mom(more than I care to admit), this one surprised me. But I think they have a point. All the families spent approximately one hour preparing dinner, whether it was fresh or processed. The moms who prepared processed, overcompensated by having additional side dishes. Simple, fresh and healthy seems to be the key. Researchers also found it best to encourage help from the kids. When involved with food choices and preparation, the kids ate what was served, engaged in conversation and were happier.
3. Low-stress families find small moments of togetherness. The battle of quality time vs. quantity time is never ending. Quit worrying about expensive family vacations or perfect family outings. Real bonding time comes from the brief moments we spend with our children. Create great conversation when you are driving your kids to a soccer game. Make bedtime a special story and snuggling time. Steal a few minutes right after school. What child doesn’t love the ol’ cookies and milk after school. It is also the perfect time to find out about your child’s day. Family relationships thrive from the simple routines we form in life. Slow down and find time to cherish these moments.
4. Low-stress moms take five minutes of me time. My first reaction to this tip was, who has time for this? Researchers think it is better to take that selfish 5-10 minutes to unwind before trying to tackle family issues. Mom’s especially need to figure out how to unwind and what makes them happy and calm. Whether it is a quick exercise routine, reading a chapter in a book, Jamba Juice, or yoga, find out what makes you your best self. Indulgent as it is, your family needs your best you.
5. Low-stress families watch TV together. I loved this one because it takes some of the guilt away! Sometimes there is just not enough strength or planning time for a more interactive activity. Cut yourself some slack and remember that memories can be created watching the Jazz score a winning basket. It is O.K to spend 30 minutes laughing at the craziness of another family on Modern Family. Or relaxing with a movie, popcorn, and the entire family snuggled under blankets. Whenever you are having positive interaction with your children, you are building relationships. In the end, those bonds are what hold a family together.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Belief Windows
Belief Windows
As I do parenting workshops or work one on one with parents, I have found many parents are struggling to create a peaceful environment in their homes. It seems there is constant bickering between family members and relationships with their children or their spouse are so negative. Often the problem lies within the parent and their Belief Windows. Belief Windows affect the decisions we make and the actions we take with our families.
What are Belief Windows?
You cannot actually see your Belief Window because it’s invisible, but we all have one. It is figuratively attached to your head and hangs in front of your face Every time you move, that window goes with you. You look at the world through it and what you see is filtered back to you through it. Our outlook on the world around us is determined by our belief windows. We begin forming these belief windows from birth. Some of the belief statements are good, some not so good. These windows change as we change and improve.
How do these Belief Windows form?
The Beliefs on our windows:
*Come from previous experience. Example: As a child you have had a bad experience with a dog, you might believe that all dogs are vicious.
*Come from what people have taught us when we were young or from cultural messages. Example: As a child you take candy from the store and parent makes you go back and pay for it. You learn stealing is bad.
*General observations of life Example: Growing up, you watch as your father always takes out the garbage, you assume it is a husbands responsibility to take care of garbage
Some of us can barely see out of our belief windows because they are so crowded with
statements of how we believe things should be. The smaller the viewing area through our window, the less willing we will be to test our assumptions and beliefs.
Examples of destructive Family Belief Windows:
*Good moms have a clean house at all times
*Successful children get all “A’s”
*Children should be reading by the time they start kindergarten
*If we have money, or a big house, or a nice car, we will be a happy family.
*Child should attend a particular college
*Daughter should play tennis/Son should play football
*Children should never talk back to their parents
(Something is wrong is you have too many “shoulds” on your window. Be wary of “should” behaviors)
So, how well can you see out of your belief window?
Is it streaked with lots of untrue, outdated, or damaging belief statements
that limit your options in life?
Or is it clean and easy to see through, framed by tested and true belief
statements that keep your options open?
We can clear our belief windows.
First, we need to recognize and acknowledge the very existence of these belief statements and that some of them might be wrong and stopping our progression.
Second, look at the results you are getting in life. Are these results bringing you happiness or do they produce pain in your life.
Third, Ask yourself what beliefs might be on your Belief Window that could be changed. Talk to a friend or a professional to get an impartial opinion.
Fourth, Implement a new behavior and evaluate the results. A correct belief on your belief window should bring peace and happiness into your life and your family.
Examples always help:
I recently worked with a young couple with small children. They constantly argued and the children were always fighting. To the husband this seemed to be normal behavior because that is how life was for him growing up in his home. The wife was very unhappy in this environment and uncomfortable with what was going on at home. This is not how she was raised. She expressed her concerns to a dear friend who assured her that she was right. Her home was dysfunctional and it did not need to be that way. This cute, young mother stressed to her husband that they needed help. She convinced him to go to counseling. Through counseling and group therapy, the psychologist was able to show the husband that his perception of what goes on in a normal family home was not correct. The couple was able to make the necessary changes and is now experiencing a new level of joy at home.
When you come up against a situation or problem within your family. Examine your belief window. I find when parents are open to change, their lives improve!
As I do parenting workshops or work one on one with parents, I have found many parents are struggling to create a peaceful environment in their homes. It seems there is constant bickering between family members and relationships with their children or their spouse are so negative. Often the problem lies within the parent and their Belief Windows. Belief Windows affect the decisions we make and the actions we take with our families.
What are Belief Windows?
You cannot actually see your Belief Window because it’s invisible, but we all have one. It is figuratively attached to your head and hangs in front of your face Every time you move, that window goes with you. You look at the world through it and what you see is filtered back to you through it. Our outlook on the world around us is determined by our belief windows. We begin forming these belief windows from birth. Some of the belief statements are good, some not so good. These windows change as we change and improve.
How do these Belief Windows form?
The Beliefs on our windows:
*Come from previous experience. Example: As a child you have had a bad experience with a dog, you might believe that all dogs are vicious.
*Come from what people have taught us when we were young or from cultural messages. Example: As a child you take candy from the store and parent makes you go back and pay for it. You learn stealing is bad.
*General observations of life Example: Growing up, you watch as your father always takes out the garbage, you assume it is a husbands responsibility to take care of garbage
Some of us can barely see out of our belief windows because they are so crowded with
statements of how we believe things should be. The smaller the viewing area through our window, the less willing we will be to test our assumptions and beliefs.
Examples of destructive Family Belief Windows:
*Good moms have a clean house at all times
*Successful children get all “A’s”
*Children should be reading by the time they start kindergarten
*If we have money, or a big house, or a nice car, we will be a happy family.
*Child should attend a particular college
*Daughter should play tennis/Son should play football
*Children should never talk back to their parents
(Something is wrong is you have too many “shoulds” on your window. Be wary of “should” behaviors)
So, how well can you see out of your belief window?
Is it streaked with lots of untrue, outdated, or damaging belief statements
that limit your options in life?
Or is it clean and easy to see through, framed by tested and true belief
statements that keep your options open?
We can clear our belief windows.
First, we need to recognize and acknowledge the very existence of these belief statements and that some of them might be wrong and stopping our progression.
Second, look at the results you are getting in life. Are these results bringing you happiness or do they produce pain in your life.
Third, Ask yourself what beliefs might be on your Belief Window that could be changed. Talk to a friend or a professional to get an impartial opinion.
Fourth, Implement a new behavior and evaluate the results. A correct belief on your belief window should bring peace and happiness into your life and your family.
Examples always help:
I recently worked with a young couple with small children. They constantly argued and the children were always fighting. To the husband this seemed to be normal behavior because that is how life was for him growing up in his home. The wife was very unhappy in this environment and uncomfortable with what was going on at home. This is not how she was raised. She expressed her concerns to a dear friend who assured her that she was right. Her home was dysfunctional and it did not need to be that way. This cute, young mother stressed to her husband that they needed help. She convinced him to go to counseling. Through counseling and group therapy, the psychologist was able to show the husband that his perception of what goes on in a normal family home was not correct. The couple was able to make the necessary changes and is now experiencing a new level of joy at home.
When you come up against a situation or problem within your family. Examine your belief window. I find when parents are open to change, their lives improve!
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