Unfortunately, the society our children are growing up in is rooted in meanness. Although, this is not a new phenomenon, it does seem to have escalated in recent years. Parents should be concerned when their kids are being mean and also when people are mean to their kids. In today’s world many of the adults and peers your child must deal with use sarcasm, teasing, name-calling or other behaviors that is degrading. Much of this behavior might be considered close to or akin to bullying behavior.
It seems that in today’s society you cannot get away from it. Many of today’s television programs thrive on meanness. Much of the humor on TV these days is mean-spirited stuff; a lot of anger and dysfunction disguised in family sitcoms and reality shows. If kids continually see and hear it, they will mimic it. Television is not the only cause, but it does add to bad behavior.
It is important that your children can distinguish between the positive and the negative. Once they understand and feel the difference, they will strive to fill their lives with positive influences and surround themselves with uplifting people. This knowledge not only helps them through the teenage years, but as adults when dealing with co-workers, bosses, friends and raising children(your grandchildren).
How do you help your child not emulate this edgy behavior?
1. Make sure in your home you do not use sarcasm as a form of humor. Too often the negative behaviors our kids imitate begin in the home. As parents we may not even realize it, but our humor may be mean. Humor is important in our families, but it is important to make sure when we laugh it is at the situation, not making fun of another person. The attitudes and behaviors of our children begin with the parents.
2. Help your child be aware of meanness and where it is coming from. You do not want your child to feel bad about themselves when they are bullied, made fun of or belittled. It happens to everyone at some point in their lives. So help your children understand this meanness is not about them. Rather, it is showing the insecurities about the person who is attacking them.
3. Monitor the programs your child is watching on television. Script writers are taught to create conflict. There is deliberate casting and deliberate provocation because it boosts ratings. Because it makes the show funnier, often this meanness is disguised in nice family sitcoms. Watch programs with your children and point out the meanness. Your child is capable of understanding how a comment or an incident can hurt someone’s feeling, even if it is funny. Help your kids understand what is appropriate and not appropriate behavior.
4. Teach your child to walk away. If someone is treating your child in a negative manner, they need to know it is O.K. to remove themselves from the situation; that includes a friend, a teacher, a coach, a boss...anyone who affects them in a negative way. You want your child to know they are of value and not allow anyone to treat them this way.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Belief Windows
Belief Windows
As I do parenting workshops or work one on one with parents, I have found many parents are struggling to create a peaceful environment in their homes. It seems there is constant bickering between family members and relationships with their children or their spouse are so negative. Often the problem lies within the parent and their Belief Windows. Belief Windows affect the decisions we make and the actions we take with our families.
What are Belief Windows?
You cannot actually see your Belief Window because it’s invisible, but we all have one. It is figuratively attached to your head and hangs in front of your face Every time you move, that window goes with you. You look at the world through it and what you see is filtered back to you through it. Our outlook on the world around us is determined by our belief windows. We begin forming these belief windows from birth. Some of the belief statements are good, some not so good. These windows change as we change and improve.
How do these Belief Windows form?
The Beliefs on our windows:
*Come from previous experience. Example: As a child you have had a bad experience with a dog, you might believe that all dogs are vicious.
*Come from what people have taught us when we were young or from cultural messages. Example: As a child you take candy from the store and parent makes you go back and pay for it. You learn stealing is bad.
*General observations of life Example: Growing up, you watch as your father always takes out the garbage, you assume it is a husbands responsibility to take care of garbage
Some of us can barely see out of our belief windows because they are so crowded with
statements of how we believe things should be. The smaller the viewing area through our window, the less willing we will be to test our assumptions and beliefs.
Examples of destructive Family Belief Windows:
*Good moms have a clean house at all times
*Successful children get all “A’s”
*Children should be reading by the time they start kindergarten
*If we have money, or a big house, or a nice car, we will be a happy family.
*Child should attend a particular college
*Daughter should play tennis/Son should play football
*Children should never talk back to their parents
(Something is wrong is you have too many “shoulds” on your window. Be wary of “should” behaviors)
So, how well can you see out of your belief window?
Is it streaked with lots of untrue, outdated, or damaging belief statements
that limit your options in life?
Or is it clean and easy to see through, framed by tested and true belief
statements that keep your options open?
We can clear our belief windows.
First, we need to recognize and acknowledge the very existence of these belief statements and that some of them might be wrong and stopping our progression.
Second, look at the results you are getting in life. Are these results bringing you happiness or do they produce pain in your life.
Third, Ask yourself what beliefs might be on your Belief Window that could be changed. Talk to a friend or a professional to get an impartial opinion.
Fourth, Implement a new behavior and evaluate the results. A correct belief on your belief window should bring peace and happiness into your life and your family.
Examples always help:
I recently worked with a young couple with small children. They constantly argued and the children were always fighting. To the husband this seemed to be normal behavior because that is how life was for him growing up in his home. The wife was very unhappy in this environment and uncomfortable with what was going on at home. This is not how she was raised. She expressed her concerns to a dear friend who assured her that she was right. Her home was dysfunctional and it did not need to be that way. This cute, young mother stressed to her husband that they needed help. She convinced him to go to counseling. Through counseling and group therapy, the psychologist was able to show the husband that his perception of what goes on in a normal family home was not correct. The couple was able to make the necessary changes and is now experiencing a new level of joy at home.
When you come up against a situation or problem within your family. Examine your belief window. I find when parents are open to change, their lives improve!
As I do parenting workshops or work one on one with parents, I have found many parents are struggling to create a peaceful environment in their homes. It seems there is constant bickering between family members and relationships with their children or their spouse are so negative. Often the problem lies within the parent and their Belief Windows. Belief Windows affect the decisions we make and the actions we take with our families.
What are Belief Windows?
You cannot actually see your Belief Window because it’s invisible, but we all have one. It is figuratively attached to your head and hangs in front of your face Every time you move, that window goes with you. You look at the world through it and what you see is filtered back to you through it. Our outlook on the world around us is determined by our belief windows. We begin forming these belief windows from birth. Some of the belief statements are good, some not so good. These windows change as we change and improve.
How do these Belief Windows form?
The Beliefs on our windows:
*Come from previous experience. Example: As a child you have had a bad experience with a dog, you might believe that all dogs are vicious.
*Come from what people have taught us when we were young or from cultural messages. Example: As a child you take candy from the store and parent makes you go back and pay for it. You learn stealing is bad.
*General observations of life Example: Growing up, you watch as your father always takes out the garbage, you assume it is a husbands responsibility to take care of garbage
Some of us can barely see out of our belief windows because they are so crowded with
statements of how we believe things should be. The smaller the viewing area through our window, the less willing we will be to test our assumptions and beliefs.
Examples of destructive Family Belief Windows:
*Good moms have a clean house at all times
*Successful children get all “A’s”
*Children should be reading by the time they start kindergarten
*If we have money, or a big house, or a nice car, we will be a happy family.
*Child should attend a particular college
*Daughter should play tennis/Son should play football
*Children should never talk back to their parents
(Something is wrong is you have too many “shoulds” on your window. Be wary of “should” behaviors)
So, how well can you see out of your belief window?
Is it streaked with lots of untrue, outdated, or damaging belief statements
that limit your options in life?
Or is it clean and easy to see through, framed by tested and true belief
statements that keep your options open?
We can clear our belief windows.
First, we need to recognize and acknowledge the very existence of these belief statements and that some of them might be wrong and stopping our progression.
Second, look at the results you are getting in life. Are these results bringing you happiness or do they produce pain in your life.
Third, Ask yourself what beliefs might be on your Belief Window that could be changed. Talk to a friend or a professional to get an impartial opinion.
Fourth, Implement a new behavior and evaluate the results. A correct belief on your belief window should bring peace and happiness into your life and your family.
Examples always help:
I recently worked with a young couple with small children. They constantly argued and the children were always fighting. To the husband this seemed to be normal behavior because that is how life was for him growing up in his home. The wife was very unhappy in this environment and uncomfortable with what was going on at home. This is not how she was raised. She expressed her concerns to a dear friend who assured her that she was right. Her home was dysfunctional and it did not need to be that way. This cute, young mother stressed to her husband that they needed help. She convinced him to go to counseling. Through counseling and group therapy, the psychologist was able to show the husband that his perception of what goes on in a normal family home was not correct. The couple was able to make the necessary changes and is now experiencing a new level of joy at home.
When you come up against a situation or problem within your family. Examine your belief window. I find when parents are open to change, their lives improve!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Moms Need Friends
One of the greatest things about having children is the grandchildren that eventually bless your life. Many of you who read my blog are young mothers and have never had the time to process this joy that is yet to come. While raising my kids,I never even thought about it. I can promise you one thing...it comes fast! Lets even go for two promises in this first paragraph. On your most difficult days as a mom, I can promise you will be rewarded for the effort you have put into your parenting in the form of grandchildren. Oh, the joy grandkids bring! I cannot even describe it. It is one of those things you have to experience.
My daughter Stacie just gave birth to her first baby. I was lucky enough to be invited to see little Ozzie born. At the moment this little guy made its way into this world, I was overwhelmed. Standing on the sidelines as Grandma, assisting with the birth, gave me an entirely new perspective. When I was giving birth, I was the one on the table watching as doctors and nurses scurried around. I know this is crazy, but I sometimes think it is easier to be the one on the table because you have such trust and faith in the doctors. As a mother watching her daughter bring this soul to us, I was a nervous wreck. I pride myself on staying calm. But I was ready to pounce on any doctor who messed it up! It was such a relief to see all the right parts in all the right places. Now it is over, I must thank the medical professionals for paying attention in class during med school and spending all those years honing their craft. They did an excellent job.
Birth is like death. I believe it brings the best out in people. My daughter and her husband live far away from ‘gammy’. As hard as that is on us, my kids are lucky because their friends are there for them. While I was there, these friends took the time to let me know they would be taking care of my kids and this new grandbaby. It is from these thoughtful gestures that I decided I needed to blog about friendships and how as parents we need the help of friends.
Whatever the crisis, we all get by with a little help from our friends. But we may need to lean a little harder on them when we have kids. True friends are hard to come by. We all have a variety of friends that meet our needs at different times and in different ways. When I talk about a true friend, I mean someone who will tell you the truth. Someone who will be there when you are depleted. Someone who knows what you need before you ask. Someone who treats your kids as their own. Believe it or not, there are people out there like this. The key to finding them is to emulate all of these characteristics in yourself.
Here are just a few suggestions:
A Sympathetic Ear:Listen to your friend without judging. Give her your time
and your understanding. Don’t try to solve her problem. Focus
on what your friend is feeling and validate those feelings.
A Helping Hand: Offer to watch her kids. Fill her refrigerator with
goodies.Help with the house. Mow her lawn. Fold the laundry.
Whatever you can see needs to be done...do it.
Offer Emotional Support: Check in with a phone call, an email or a card. Make
play dates with the kids. Go on walks to the park together.
Shop together. Tend each others kids while you take turns at
the gym.
One of the greatest gifts we can give each other is the opportunity to lend a hand. Chances are good that your friend will return the favor to you or someone else down the road. Don’t try to do it alone. Try to help or allow yourself to be helped through friends.
Friday, February 18, 2011
The "D" Word
What is the correct way to discipline your child? Just mentioning the word discipline brings up controversy. Spank or not spank... rigid or relaxed... force or freedom...tough love or abuse; there are many opinions. All families are different. Parents have their own personalities. Children are unique. No family situation will or can be the exact same. So it is difficult to set hard and fast rules about what kinds of discipline will work in your home. Having said that, I must emphasis that there are certain truths about discipline that must not be ignored.
The word discipline comes from the Latin word disciple, which means to teach or to learn. Discipline was never meant to be used as a form of punishment. If your chosen method of discipline does not teach your child how to improve, it is absolutely wrong! Your role as a parent is to nurture your child. Children need time, care and parental involvement in their lives. They need to be allowed to make mistakes and not be punished for making those mistakes. Things can go very wrong if a child doe not receive positive messages when they do something wrong. Don’t call it a failure, call it an education.
Many professionals claim that a lack of strict discipline is the problem with today’s kids. This is simply not true. In fact, just the opposite is true. If your home environment involves overly strict parents with rigid discipline, your kids will at some point rebel, publicly or privately. When parents use a rigid form of discipline, they are parenting out of fear. Why are they fearful? There are multiple reasons:
*Parents are frightened they are losing control of their child.
*Parents are frightened they are losing power over their child:
*Parents are frightened they are not good parents and do not know how to handle a situation.
When you discipline out of fear you eventually use control to discipline. Control is often referred to as tough love. Tough love is a lazy parenting technique that exhibits itself when a parent is tired or not willing to put in the effort to figure out what they need to do to help a child. From personal experience with my own children, when I got tough, they quit trying. Children do not need toughness. They need love, understanding and help.
Anger usually accompanies tough love or control. When a parent uses anger as a form of discipline they believe they are commanding respect from their child, Anger is often used by parents because it gives an immediate response, stopping a child from a particular behavior. Do not fool yourself as a parent. When you use anger in your discipline, there is always damage to your child. A child who is fearful or acts out with violence is a child who has been raised with an angry parent. As an adult you are in charge of your emotions. Calm yourself when you are disciplining your child.
So if control and rigid rules are not the best way to discipline, what is the best way to discipline your child? Ask yourself how you like to be reprimanded. At work, do you learn when a boss or co-worker yells or sets rigid rules when you make a mistake? No. Don’t you learn more when someone communicates with you in a gentle manner? That is the exact way you will have success with your child.
I learn best from examples, so let me give you a positive example. Say your son is playing baseball too close to the house and a ball breaks the window. You may have already asked him to be careful and he probably knows better. If your response is to scream at your son or take away his baseball or ground him, has he learned anything? When you humiliate your child, you have robbed yourself of the opportunity to teach. Your goal with discipline is to help your children learn from their own experiences in a positive manner. Your child has made a mistake. He knows he has made a mistake. The shattering of the glass makes anyone cringe. Begin by helping your child clean up the glass. This gives you an opportunity to do something physically and also gives you time to calm down. This is a great time to gently
talk to your child about the expenses involved with a broken window. Give your child opportunities to earn small amounts of money to replace the window. When a difficult situation is handled with love and understanding instead of punishment and degrading, a great lesson is learned that will stay with your child for the rest of his life.
It is important as parents to learn about the stages of development and recognize that certain undesired behavior may be normal for a child at a given age and maturity level. Such knowledge can help a parent respond lovingly when a child pushes an anger trigger. Practice expressing concerns calmly and with an attitude of respect, without attacking or blaming your child. If you can change your attitudes about discipline from one of punishing to teaching, you will be amazed at the maturity and growth you will witness in your child. Your child will be confident, happy and successful. Isn’t that what we all want as parents? Give it a try!
The word discipline comes from the Latin word disciple, which means to teach or to learn. Discipline was never meant to be used as a form of punishment. If your chosen method of discipline does not teach your child how to improve, it is absolutely wrong! Your role as a parent is to nurture your child. Children need time, care and parental involvement in their lives. They need to be allowed to make mistakes and not be punished for making those mistakes. Things can go very wrong if a child doe not receive positive messages when they do something wrong. Don’t call it a failure, call it an education.
Many professionals claim that a lack of strict discipline is the problem with today’s kids. This is simply not true. In fact, just the opposite is true. If your home environment involves overly strict parents with rigid discipline, your kids will at some point rebel, publicly or privately. When parents use a rigid form of discipline, they are parenting out of fear. Why are they fearful? There are multiple reasons:
*Parents are frightened they are losing control of their child.
*Parents are frightened they are losing power over their child:
*Parents are frightened they are not good parents and do not know how to handle a situation.
When you discipline out of fear you eventually use control to discipline. Control is often referred to as tough love. Tough love is a lazy parenting technique that exhibits itself when a parent is tired or not willing to put in the effort to figure out what they need to do to help a child. From personal experience with my own children, when I got tough, they quit trying. Children do not need toughness. They need love, understanding and help.
Anger usually accompanies tough love or control. When a parent uses anger as a form of discipline they believe they are commanding respect from their child, Anger is often used by parents because it gives an immediate response, stopping a child from a particular behavior. Do not fool yourself as a parent. When you use anger in your discipline, there is always damage to your child. A child who is fearful or acts out with violence is a child who has been raised with an angry parent. As an adult you are in charge of your emotions. Calm yourself when you are disciplining your child.
So if control and rigid rules are not the best way to discipline, what is the best way to discipline your child? Ask yourself how you like to be reprimanded. At work, do you learn when a boss or co-worker yells or sets rigid rules when you make a mistake? No. Don’t you learn more when someone communicates with you in a gentle manner? That is the exact way you will have success with your child.
I learn best from examples, so let me give you a positive example. Say your son is playing baseball too close to the house and a ball breaks the window. You may have already asked him to be careful and he probably knows better. If your response is to scream at your son or take away his baseball or ground him, has he learned anything? When you humiliate your child, you have robbed yourself of the opportunity to teach. Your goal with discipline is to help your children learn from their own experiences in a positive manner. Your child has made a mistake. He knows he has made a mistake. The shattering of the glass makes anyone cringe. Begin by helping your child clean up the glass. This gives you an opportunity to do something physically and also gives you time to calm down. This is a great time to gently
talk to your child about the expenses involved with a broken window. Give your child opportunities to earn small amounts of money to replace the window. When a difficult situation is handled with love and understanding instead of punishment and degrading, a great lesson is learned that will stay with your child for the rest of his life.
It is important as parents to learn about the stages of development and recognize that certain undesired behavior may be normal for a child at a given age and maturity level. Such knowledge can help a parent respond lovingly when a child pushes an anger trigger. Practice expressing concerns calmly and with an attitude of respect, without attacking or blaming your child. If you can change your attitudes about discipline from one of punishing to teaching, you will be amazed at the maturity and growth you will witness in your child. Your child will be confident, happy and successful. Isn’t that what we all want as parents? Give it a try!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Tiger Moms
Have any of you paid attention to the recent article "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior?" That was the headline of a Wall Street Journal essay excerpted from Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, the new book from Amy Chua. Battle Hymn is a memoir on Chua's experiences as a mother describing a very strict and rigid style of parenting. I must admit as I was raising my kids I wondered how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. It seemed as if there wasn’t a dumb one in the bunch They were all either math whizzes or Suzuki prodigies winning every honor at the high school awards ceremony. After reading this article and doing a bit of research, I feel I need to blog about my findings so none of you are led to believe this might be a better way to raise children.
First, I respect that Chinese parents give everything to their children and also many of their values such as a strong work ethic. I believe all good parents, Western and Eastern believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away. What I disapprove of are the methods suggested in this article used to make children successful. Amy Chua never allowed her daughters to:
attend a sleepover
have a play date
be in a school play
complain about not being in a school play
watch TV or play computer games
choose their own extracurricular activities
get any grade less than an A
not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
play any instrument other than the piano or violin
not play the piano or violin.
Western parents might believe they are being strict, they are nowhere close to Chinese mothers. They believe nothing is fun until your good at it. Practicing the piano every day for 30 minutes is what Western parents do. Eastern moms believe 2-3 hours is a must. I could continue with more examples, but this blog would be too long. I have included the link to this article if you would like to read it.
One of the reasons we live in the Western World is for our freedoms. What are we doing as parents if we take those choices away from our children? Sure our kids may not always be number one in their class. They may even fail on occasion. I happen to believe that some of the most important lessons I learned in life came from my failures.
As many of you know from reading ParentFix and this blog, I believe it is important for children to find their passions. They need to learn how to socialize with other kids. I also believe it is important for your child to try a variety of talents, not be dictated too, or forced, even belittled by their parents (calling them “fat” or “lazy”) when they fail. Not every child has the ability to get straight “A’s” . When did getting a “B” become such a bad thing?
I must admit you will find success stories with this kind of parenting. But I believe if we could track the data, there is more negative that comes from too much pressure put upon a child. There is one fact that must not be overlooked. The suicide rates for Asians are much higher, in some areas of the U.S. as much as 50 %.
The reason I chose this topic is because I would ask you to reevaluate your goals as parents. What is more important for your child? A high level of success or happiness?
First, I respect that Chinese parents give everything to their children and also many of their values such as a strong work ethic. I believe all good parents, Western and Eastern believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away. What I disapprove of are the methods suggested in this article used to make children successful. Amy Chua never allowed her daughters to:
attend a sleepover
have a play date
be in a school play
complain about not being in a school play
watch TV or play computer games
choose their own extracurricular activities
get any grade less than an A
not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
play any instrument other than the piano or violin
not play the piano or violin.
Western parents might believe they are being strict, they are nowhere close to Chinese mothers. They believe nothing is fun until your good at it. Practicing the piano every day for 30 minutes is what Western parents do. Eastern moms believe 2-3 hours is a must. I could continue with more examples, but this blog would be too long. I have included the link to this article if you would like to read it.
One of the reasons we live in the Western World is for our freedoms. What are we doing as parents if we take those choices away from our children? Sure our kids may not always be number one in their class. They may even fail on occasion. I happen to believe that some of the most important lessons I learned in life came from my failures.
As many of you know from reading ParentFix and this blog, I believe it is important for children to find their passions. They need to learn how to socialize with other kids. I also believe it is important for your child to try a variety of talents, not be dictated too, or forced, even belittled by their parents (calling them “fat” or “lazy”) when they fail. Not every child has the ability to get straight “A’s” . When did getting a “B” become such a bad thing?
I must admit you will find success stories with this kind of parenting. But I believe if we could track the data, there is more negative that comes from too much pressure put upon a child. There is one fact that must not be overlooked. The suicide rates for Asians are much higher, in some areas of the U.S. as much as 50 %.
The reason I chose this topic is because I would ask you to reevaluate your goals as parents. What is more important for your child? A high level of success or happiness?
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Creating A Safe Haven
Making Your Home a Place Your Kids want to Be
Parents sometimes do not realize how important it is that their home be a place their kids want to be. Most, if not all of the problems our children face can be solved in the home. The culture we are a part of, that we are bringing our children up in is a culture which hurts them. It does not teach them that they are good, worthy, valuable and important. This culture equates success, beauty and goodness only with external appearances and accomplishments. The effects on our children are showing up at earlier and earlier ages...eating disorders, addictive behaviors, etc
It is in our homes we can make the difference. It is impossible to change society, but it is possible to control how are children are affected by the world. Parents can do this in the home by creating a Safe Haven. Home is the place for nurturing and teaching. It is where parents have the power to prepare their children to feel good about themselves. If they leave home with confidence, they will be able to effectively handle whatever the world throws at them.
Three Components of the Safe Haven
Aura of peace and calm
No yelling
No crticizing
No demeaning
Positive Understanding/Caring Atmosphere
Place where ideas can be shared freely
*Children need to be allowed and encouraged to express their opinions without criticism
*Beliefs need to be discussed openly
*Parent need to be teachable. You can learn a lot from your child
Atmosphere of Love
*Unconditional love is always present
*Love needs to be expressed on a daily basis
*Parent attitude towards child exudes patience and understanding
Sounds wonderful, but impossible. It is possible. How do you do it? How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. You take this one step at a time.
1.Pick one item on the list of Safe Haven components
(If you finish the 3 Safe Haven Components listed above...congratulations! There are many more in the Safe Haven-Chapter 2-in ParentFix)
2.Work on it for an hour, a day, a week.
3.When you have that under control, pick another item on the list.
4.If you blow it, go back to the first item and start over.
Remember the parent is responsible for the atmosphere in the home.
You will be amazed at the changes that can occur within your home, just by taking the first step. The happiness in your children will keep you motivated to create a Safe Haven.
Parents sometimes do not realize how important it is that their home be a place their kids want to be. Most, if not all of the problems our children face can be solved in the home. The culture we are a part of, that we are bringing our children up in is a culture which hurts them. It does not teach them that they are good, worthy, valuable and important. This culture equates success, beauty and goodness only with external appearances and accomplishments. The effects on our children are showing up at earlier and earlier ages...eating disorders, addictive behaviors, etc
It is in our homes we can make the difference. It is impossible to change society, but it is possible to control how are children are affected by the world. Parents can do this in the home by creating a Safe Haven. Home is the place for nurturing and teaching. It is where parents have the power to prepare their children to feel good about themselves. If they leave home with confidence, they will be able to effectively handle whatever the world throws at them.
Three Components of the Safe Haven
Aura of peace and calm
No yelling
No crticizing
No demeaning
Positive Understanding/Caring Atmosphere
Place where ideas can be shared freely
*Children need to be allowed and encouraged to express their opinions without criticism
*Beliefs need to be discussed openly
*Parent need to be teachable. You can learn a lot from your child
Atmosphere of Love
*Unconditional love is always present
*Love needs to be expressed on a daily basis
*Parent attitude towards child exudes patience and understanding
Sounds wonderful, but impossible. It is possible. How do you do it? How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. You take this one step at a time.
1.Pick one item on the list of Safe Haven components
(If you finish the 3 Safe Haven Components listed above...congratulations! There are many more in the Safe Haven-Chapter 2-in ParentFix)
2.Work on it for an hour, a day, a week.
3.When you have that under control, pick another item on the list.
4.If you blow it, go back to the first item and start over.
Remember the parent is responsible for the atmosphere in the home.
You will be amazed at the changes that can occur within your home, just by taking the first step. The happiness in your children will keep you motivated to create a Safe Haven.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
In this world of technology, are we failing to teach our children necessary life skills?
I recently read an article published in the AP by Beth Harpaz entitled "Are we raising a bunch of idiots? Many parents believe that this generation of kids are a generation of idiots or nincompoops. I strongly disagree and here is why:
This is a unique world our children are growing up in. Very different from the experiences most of us as parents grew up with. It is important to remember the skills they are learning will benefit them in ways they need to survive. Technology is here to stay and I believe as a parent you need to embrace it and praise your kids for how quickly they have mastered computer skills, texting, graphic arts, etc. (With all the computer games our kids play, eye/hand coordination must be at an all time high!)
Think about it... generations before us had none of the modern conveniences we grew up with. Pioneers had to make everything by hand to survive. They had to farm to eat, sew their own clothing, build a fire to get warm, haul water to wash dishes or bathe. What would our ancestors think of us? Our generation would also be considered lazy and ignorant. After all, how many of us know how to milk a cow? We all have to adapt our skills to meet the needs of the world we live.
Having said that, there are skills kids need that may be pass them by. It is important to remember that as a parent, you are ultimately responsible for the education of your child, whether it be in school, life skills or social skills. When it comes to our schools, our school systems are not perfect. But, if you get involved and stay positive your child will excel.
Specific Skills Your Kids May Need Help With:
With the use of GPS systems your kids may need to learn Driving or Directions
Solve it: While your child is getting driving hours, take the time to get out a physical map of the city and or state. Go over it with your child, showing them points of interest: The capital building, ski resorts, E-Center, major cities, etc.
Because of Twitter/Texting your kids may need to learn how to talk to adults.
Solve it: Talk with them about current events that interest them. Invite interesting people to dinner and have conversation.
Because of Video Games your kids may need real life experience
Solve it: Plan fun activities that your child would enjoy away from the computer, preferably outside...skiing, bowling or swimming.
Because of doing so much homework on the computer your child may not know how to write
Solve it: Buy some cute cards and hand write thank you notes together.
Because of all the modern electronic conveniences, your kids may not survive if the power goes out.
Solve it: Take a day or a weekend and try roughing it. No TV, no cell phones, no microwave, no dishwasher. Make it fun and a teaching moment about how other generations lived.
So,when you kids don't know how to do something, teach them. None of us know it all. Have fun and teach your child the skills you feel are important. Learning can and should be exciting
This is a unique world our children are growing up in. Very different from the experiences most of us as parents grew up with. It is important to remember the skills they are learning will benefit them in ways they need to survive. Technology is here to stay and I believe as a parent you need to embrace it and praise your kids for how quickly they have mastered computer skills, texting, graphic arts, etc. (With all the computer games our kids play, eye/hand coordination must be at an all time high!)
Think about it... generations before us had none of the modern conveniences we grew up with. Pioneers had to make everything by hand to survive. They had to farm to eat, sew their own clothing, build a fire to get warm, haul water to wash dishes or bathe. What would our ancestors think of us? Our generation would also be considered lazy and ignorant. After all, how many of us know how to milk a cow? We all have to adapt our skills to meet the needs of the world we live.
Having said that, there are skills kids need that may be pass them by. It is important to remember that as a parent, you are ultimately responsible for the education of your child, whether it be in school, life skills or social skills. When it comes to our schools, our school systems are not perfect. But, if you get involved and stay positive your child will excel.
Specific Skills Your Kids May Need Help With:
With the use of GPS systems your kids may need to learn Driving or Directions
Solve it: While your child is getting driving hours, take the time to get out a physical map of the city and or state. Go over it with your child, showing them points of interest: The capital building, ski resorts, E-Center, major cities, etc.
Because of Twitter/Texting your kids may need to learn how to talk to adults.
Solve it: Talk with them about current events that interest them. Invite interesting people to dinner and have conversation.
Because of Video Games your kids may need real life experience
Solve it: Plan fun activities that your child would enjoy away from the computer, preferably outside...skiing, bowling or swimming.
Because of doing so much homework on the computer your child may not know how to write
Solve it: Buy some cute cards and hand write thank you notes together.
Because of all the modern electronic conveniences, your kids may not survive if the power goes out.
Solve it: Take a day or a weekend and try roughing it. No TV, no cell phones, no microwave, no dishwasher. Make it fun and a teaching moment about how other generations lived.
So,when you kids don't know how to do something, teach them. None of us know it all. Have fun and teach your child the skills you feel are important. Learning can and should be exciting
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